Tags: misc work communication

The Habits

Habits are the intersection of:

• Knowledge - What to do and why
• Skill - How to do
• Desire - Motivation, Want to do

Independence

1. Be Proactive

2. Begin with the End in Mind

3. Put First Thing First

Interdependence (working with others, not Dependent)

4. Think Win-Win
5. Seek First to Understand then be Understood
6. Synergize

Overall

7. Sharpen the Saw

Character Ethic (Enduring Principles)

• Fairness
  • The foundation of Justice
• Honest and Integrity
  • What Trust is built upon
• Service
  • Making a contribution/giving back
• Quality
  • Striving for Excellence and Improvement

Personality Ethic

• Public Image
  • Human and PR Techniques
• Attitudes and Behaviors
  • Positive and Mental Attitude (PMA)
• Skills and Techniques

4 Life Support Factors

1. Security
   • sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem, your basic personal strength or lack of it
2. Guidance
   • your source of direction in life
3. Wisdom
   • your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various parts and principles apply and relate to each other
4. Power
   • faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something

Fulfillment in Life

• Serve
• Produce
• Contribute in meaningful ways
• learning/growing

There are times to teach and not teach

• When relationships are strained and emotional, teaching may be perceived as judgment and rejection

• Teach when alone, quiet, and the relationship is good

• Intimidation (fear) builds weakness. Depends on external factors to get things done. When fear replaces cooperation, both people become illogical and defensive.

Things we blame

• Genetics
• Psychic - upbringing
• Environment - people and situations that surround you

Management vs Leadership

• Producers and Problem Solvers (Employees) - cutting through jungle with manchettes
• Managers - behind employees, writing policy/procedure, sharpening the knives, set up schedules, compensation programs for employees
• Leader - climbs the tallest tree, surveys the situation, yells "Wrong Jungle!".
  • The busy, efficient, employees and managers respond "shut up, we're making progress!"

Habit 1: Proactive

Application Actions

1. Listen to your language and others around you for reactive language
   • "If only"
   • "I can't"
   • "I have to"
2. Find an Example and how you would respond proactively
   • behave reactively in the past
   • remind yourself of gap between stimulus and response
   • make a commitment to yourself that you have the freedom to choose your response
3. Pick a problem at work/personal life
   • determine whether the problem ("control") is:
     • Direct - your behavior
     • Indirect - other people's behavior
     • No control - we can do nothing about
   • ID the first step in control of influence then take that step
4. 30 Day Test
   • be proactive for 30 days
     • how we handle situations
       • how we view the problem
       • where we focus our energy
       • language we use/put out there
     • make small commitments and keep them
     • be a light not a judge
     • be a model not a critic
     • be part of the solution not the problem
     • don't argue for other people's weaknesses or your own
     • when you make a mistake: admit it, correct it, learn from it immediately
       • don't blame or accuse
     • work on yourself, things you can control
     • look at weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation
       • issue isn't what they are doing/not doing
       • issue is your response to the situation and what you should be doing
       • if you think the problem is "out there", that thought is the problem
     • we are Responsible for our own effectiveness, happiness, our own circumstances
       • don't act out the scripts written by parents, associates, and society
   • note the change in your circle of influence

Habit 2: End in Mind

• Imagine being on deathbed, how do you want to be remembered? Work backwards
• Develop a mission statement
  • personal mission statement based on values
  • organizational mission statements must involve everyone to develop

Mental (1st) Creation

• Imagination:
  • Envision - create in our minds what can't see presently
  • See Potential
  • Conscience - ID our own personal endowments

4 Human Endowments

1. Self-Awareness
2. Imagination
3. Conscience
4. Independent Will - Act not acted upon

Habit 3: First thing First

Physical (2nd) Creation

• Fulfillment, actualization, natural emergence of Habits 1 & 2
• Practicing Self Management: Day-in, day-out; moment-by-moment doing it
  • Manage from Left Brain (Logic)
  • Lead from Right Brain (Art)

Self Management

	Urgent	Not Urgent
Important	Necessity	Effectiveness
Not Important	Distraction	Waste

Necessity

• Crises
• Emergency Meetings
• Last-Minute Deadlines
• Pressing Problems
• Unforeseen Events

Effectiveness

• Proactive Work
• Important Goals
• Creative Thinking
• Planning and Prevention
• Relationship Building
• Learning and Renewal
• Recreation

Distraction

• Needless Interruption
• Unnecessary Reports
• Irrelevant Meetings
• Other People's Minor Issues
• Unimportant Email, Tasks
• Phone Calls, Status Posts, etc.

Waste

• Trivial Work
• Avoidance Activities
• Excessive Relaxation
• Television, Gaming
• Internet Browsing
• Time-Wasters
• Gossip

Being Effective

Effectiveness focus is a paradigm that grows out of a principle center

• if centered on spouse, money, friends, pleasure, extrinsic or self then will thrown into Necessities and Distractions. Will react to outside forces or impulses
• be principle centered/personal mission/bigger picture (character ethics). Need self-discipline and motivation to avoid distractions and time wasters

Weekly Planning

1. ID your roles for the week (ie: worker, personal/individual, parent, spouse)
2. Select goals for the week
3. Scheduling - make time during the week to work towards achieving goals for the week
4. Daily Adapting - Things happen and need to review schedule every day to still achieve goals

Delegation

1. Gofer (Micromanage)
   • "Go/do for this, go/do for that. Tell me when it's done"
   • Too focused on methods and feel responsible for results
     • the person receiving the task may not feel responsible
   • Most employees/producers still think like that once promoted
2. Stewardship Delegation
   • Focused on results instead of methods
   • Clear, up-front, mutual understanding, and commitment in expectations in 5 areas
     1. Desired Results
     2. Guidelines
        • few as possible, but include any restrictions
          • if don't give enough info and they violate rule unbeknownst, kills initiative and instills "just tell me what to do, and I'll do it"
        • be honest and open
          • if you know failure paths, let them know upfront
            • tell them what not to do, not how they should do it
            • ok to give recommendation on how I'd do it
     3. Resources
        • ID human, financial, technical, or organizational resources they may want to use
     4. Accountability
        • set up performance standards for evaluating results (what's it for? why do this?) and due dates
     5. Consequences
        • Good and bad as a result of the evaluation
          • rewards, new job assignments, natural consequences
   • Gives people a choice of methods and responsible for results
   • Takes more initial time investment, but can increase your time leverage via effective Stewardship Delegation
   • Stewardship = job with trust
     • I trust you to do the job, to get it done. You're the boss of yourself now.
     • boss becomes the helper. may only have limited time, but employee tells boss how they can help
     • employee becomes the judge:
       • regular check-ins with the boss. Employee tells boss how it's coming along
   • Trust is highest form of human motivation
     • takes time + patience + training/development (increase competency)
     • objective: empower the employee
   • More work gets done in less time in the future
   • Must want to manage, not just produce
   • Focus on effectiveness not efficiency
   • With immature employees - fewer results, more guidelines/resources/check-ins/immediate consequences
   • With mature employees - more challenging results, less guidelines/check-ins
   • Effective delegation is best indicator of effective management: basis of personal/organizational growth

Paradigms of Interdependence

• Must master self independence/discipline first
  • you can't talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into
  • most important part we put into any relationship is not our actions/words, but what we are
    • if words/actions come from superficial HR techniques (personality ethic) others will sense deception
    • can't be trusted
• golden eggs = effectiveness: the results from open communication, positive interaction w/others
• goose = relationships: must create and maintain

Emotional Bank Account

• the amount of trust that's been built in a relationship
  • feeling of safeness with someone
• Make deposit into EBA through kindness, courtesy, honesty, and keeping commitments to someone
  • trust towards them increases
  • can use that trust if make mistakes in future, reserves compensate
  • must keep making deposits to maintain relationship
• when trust in EBA is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective
• Reduce trust in EBA:
  • showing discourtesy, disrespect
  • cutting them off
  • overreacting
  • ignoring
  • becoming arbitrary
  • betraying trust
  • threatening
  • playing god in your life
• Once trust in EBA low, have to be careful with every word/interaction/PYA
  • you may get tuned out
• When relationship deteriorates:
  • accommodation, 2 ppl live independent lifestyles and tolerate the other
  • hostility, defensiveness, verbal fights, emotional withdrawal, self-pity, cold war, legal battles
• Most constant relationships (ie: marriage) require most constant deposits
  • with continuous expectations, old deposits are lost
  • sometimes automatic EBA withdraws in daily interactions (ie: nagging)

6 Major Deposits

1. Understanding the Individual
   • What might be a deposit for you might not be for someone else. May be a withdrawal
   • To make a deposit: What is important to them must be as important to you as the other person is to you
     • what you may find unimportant may be very important to another person (ie: child)
     • stop projecting our autobiographies: interpret what a deposit is based on our needs/desires now or at a similar age/stage in life
     • understand others a you would like to be understood and do that
2. Attending to the Little Things
   • small discourtesies/unkindness/disrespect = large withdrawals
   • little things are the big things in relationships people remember most
3. Keeping Commitments
   • keeping a promise = major deposit
   • breaking one = MAJOR (biggest) withdrawal
   • don't make a promise you can't keep
     • make them very carefully/sparingly
     • be aware of variables/contingencies that may stop from fulfilling
     • be true to your word
4. Clarifying Expectations
   • unclear expectations in goals undermine communication and trust
     • leads to misunderstandings and large withdrawals
   • many times implicit (ie: marriage) and are based on assumed roles
   • get all expectations in a new situation. will be judged on those later
     • clarifying expectations takes a lot of courage and problems should be brought to the table and worked out
5. Show Personal Integrity
   • generates trust and is the basis of deposits
   • lack of integrity undermine all other efforts to create trust
   • be honest, keep promises, and fulfill expectations
     • be loyal to those not present.
       • if you agree with gossip/criticism, suggest approaching non-present person together
         • builds trust even if honest confrontation not initially appreciated
         • you care enough to confront
       • may seem like a deposit, but a withdrawal. shows you can't be trusted
   • to be trusted > being loved
   • be patient with everyone - people will test your patience, so don't overreact
   • avoid deceptive communication, guile, lack dignity
   • apologize sincerely when we make a withdrawal (becomes a deposit):
     • I was wrong
     • That was unkind of me
     • I showed you no respect
     • I embarrassed you in front of everyone, it was uncalled for.
   • repeated apologies are insincere = withdrawal
   • mistakes of mind or heart (bad intentions/motives/cover ups/justifications)
     • people will forgive mistakes in lapse of judgement (mind) not theI heart
6. Laws of Love and Life
   • unconditional love deposits -> let's others be themselves
     • not permissive/soft/pushover (withdrawal)
     • counsel, plead, set limits/boundaries
   • if attach strings then others become reactive/defensive
     • rebellion from heart not mind
     • make constant deposits of unconditional love
   • "It's more noble to give yourself completely to 1 individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses"
     • most important to have strong relationships with those closest to you

P Problems = PC Opportunities

• confrontation/talk it out = deposit in EBA
• opportunity to grow the relationship like Danny Tanner

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

Principles of Interpersonal Leadership

• whenever go from independence to interdependence, step into a leadership role
  • effective interpersonal leadership = think win/win

6 Paradigms of Human Interaction

1. Win/Win
   • cooperation not competition
   • compromise is a low form of win-win
2. Win/Lose (competition)
   • Most of Life teaches us Win/Lose (competition):
     • education - competition for grades, cooperation is cheating
     • sports - win/lose
     • law - suing in court
   • No need to compete with spouse, children, coworkers, neighbors, friends
3. Lose/Win (pushover)
   • worse than Win/Lose
     • no standards, expectations, vision
     • eager/quick to please, want acceptance
     • being a nice guy and giving up
   • buried feelings - never go away
     • causes illness: respiratory, circular
     • bad feelings: resentment, disappointment, disillusionment, rage/anger, cynicism
       • affects self-esteem and relationship with others
   • many people go between Win/Lose and Lose/Win - lack structure, direction, expectation, discipline
4. Lose/Lose
   • Two Win/Lose people (stubborn, egotistical) always a lose-lose
     • want to get revenge
   • philosophy of enemies, war, and misery loves company
5. Win
   • as long as you get what you want
6. Win/Win
7. No Deal (agree to disagree)

• Which is best depends on the situation. Most of the time you want cooperation in relationships (win-win)
• Negotiation - Win-Win or No Deal
  • try again later so no resentment
  • works best in beginning of relationship, not always realistic No Deal

5 Dimensions of Win-Win

1. Character
   • Integrity - Habits 1-3 develop/maintain
   • Maturity - balance of Courage and Consideration
     • "ability to express one's own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others"
     • Win/Win: Be nice, courageous, empathic, confident, considerate, sensitive, brave

	Low Courage	High Courage
High Consideration	Lose/Win	Win/Win
Low Consideration	Lose/Lose	Win/Lose

• Abundance Mentality - "There's plenty to go around"
  • people with scarcity mentality
    • don't like differences (insubordination/disloyalty), prefer yes-men
    • difficult to function as a team
  • deep sense of personal worth and security
  • share: prestige, recognition, profits, decision making
    • appreciates uniqueness, inner direction, proactiveness of others
  • public victory: working, communicating, making things happen together unable to do by themselves

2. Relationships
3. Agreements
4. Support Systems
5. Processes

Relationships

• Trust (EBA) - basis of Win/Win
  • without trust the best result is compromise
  • lack credibility for open, mutual learning/communication, real creativity
  • if EBA trust is high, credibility is not an issue and respect is mutual
    • can focus on the issues/each other's point of view, not on personalities
• Dealing with a Win/Lose person
  • relationship is key (focus on circle influence) make EBA deposits by:
    • courteous, respect, appreciation for that person and their point of view
    • longer communication, more listening, more expressions of courage
    • not reactive, be proactive
  • stay strong, keep hammering it out until they realize you genuinely want a win/win
    • alternative is no deal or compromise
• Bad character traits:
  • reactive stance: say you support their decision, but don't really behind their back, and then say "oh it didn't work out"
  • overactive stance: try to sabotage the outcome of their decision that you disagree with
  • maliciously obedient: follow exactly as told, but take no responsibility for results

Agreements

• Desired results - ID what needs to be done and when
• Guidelines - specify parameters/principles/policies
• Resources - ID human, financial, technical support available to help get results
• Accountability - sets standards for performance/evaluation
• Consequences - good/bad, natural/logical as a result of evaluation

Processes

• Separate person from problem
  • focus on interests not positions
  • create options for mutual gain
  • insist on objective criteria
• 4 Steps to Win/Win:
  1. See problem from other point of view
     • give expressions to needs/concerns better than they can
  2. ID the key issues involved
  3. Determine what results = fully acceptable solution
  4. ID new options to achieve those results
• Character of integrity, maturity, and abundance mentality [from high trust relationships]

Habit 5: Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood (go last)

4 forms of communication

1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Speaking
4. Listening

• We learn 1-3 in school/life, but need to listen more
• must have good core conduct/character - others can sense duplicity and will distrust you by default

Empathic Listening

• Most people listen with intent to reply instead of understanding
• 5 Listening Forms: Ignore, Pretend, Selective, Attentive (words only), Empathic (Feeling)
  • be a shrink
  • non-verbal: listen with ears, eyes, and heart
  • listen for feeling, behavior, and meaning
• rephrase content (logic) & describe/reflect how they feel (feeling)
  • indulge them, don't judge/react
  • use when responses are emotional
  • if responses are logical then can ask questions/give advice
• info gathering

Example Conversation

Son: "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

Dad: "You're feeling really frustrated about school"

Son: "I sure am. It's totally impractical. I'm not getting a thing out of it."

Dad: "You feel like school's not doing you any good."

Son: "Well, yeah. I'm just not learning anything that's going to help me. I mean, look at Joe. He's dropped out of school and he's working on cars. He's making money. Now that's practical."

Dad: "You feel that Joe really has the right idea"

Son: "Well, I guess he does in a way. He's really making money now. But in a few years, I bet he'll probably be ticked off at himself."

Dad: "You think Joe's going to feel he made the wrong decision."

Son: "He's got to. Just look at what he's giving up. I mean, if you don't have an education, you can't make it in this world"

Dad: "Education is really important"

Son: "Oh, yeah! I mean, if you don't have a diploma, if you can't get jobs or go to college, what are you going to do? You've got to have an education."

Dad: "It's important to your future"

Son: "It is. And you know what? I'm really worried. Listen, you won't tell mom, will you?"

Dad: "You don't want your mother to find out"

Son: "Well, not really. You can tell her, she'll probably find out anyway"

4 Autobiographical Responses (Talk about Ourselves NOT GOOD)

1. Evaluate - Agree/Disagree
2. Probe - Ask objective questions
3. Advise - Give objective advice
4. Interpret - Explain their motives

Then Seek to be Understood

• Ethos: personal credibility, how people perceive your integrity and competency. Your trust level (EBA)
• Pathos: emotional alignment, empathic/feeling with others
• Logos: logic and reasoning

Habit 6: Synergize

• Putting it all together, a little each day
• Sum is greater than it's parts, but individual is most important

Communicate Synergistically

• open to new possibilities/alternatives - fulfilling Habit 2
• Requires personal security, openness, and sense of adventure
  • not sure what will happen, but it will be better than before
  • everyone can be genuine/authentic/inspired and express themselves freely because of trust and courage

Level of Communication

• Synergistic (Win/Win): High Trust, High Cooperation
• Respectful (Compromise): Some Trust, Some Cooperation
• Defensive (Win/Lose or Lose/Win): Low Trust, Low Cooperation

Negative Synergy

• Insecure people think others need to bend to their views
  • don't realize strength in relationship is having another point of view
  • essence of synergy = value differences

Value Differences

• Everyone sees the world differently not as it actually is
  • ex: old/young lady abstract picture
• both people can be right doesn't have to be either/or

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

• Take time to focus on renewing yourself: Physically, Spiritually, Mentally, Socially/Emotionally
  • Best/Most Powerful investment is in yourself (Quad II/effective use of time)
• For Organizations: Economic (Phys), Treatment of People (Social), Training/Development (Mental), Service of job (Spirit)