The original source of this is from Reader's Digest and can be found here

One Liners

TOO MUCH TIME
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

KIDS THESE DAYS
Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

BAR SET HIGH
A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

BAD DAY AHEAD
You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

MARKING THEIR TERRITORY
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

DOING TIME
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

PRECISELY!
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

TOUGH SENTENCING
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

LOST FOR WORDS
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

SURE ABOUT THAT?
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

THE WRITE STUFF
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

NOT-SO-COMIC TIMING
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

EARLY MORNING REVELATIONS
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

ODE TO TORTILLAS
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

VELCRO
Velcro—what a rip-off!

VACUUM CLEANER
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

BOTHERSOME QUESTIONS
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

RUSSIAN DOLLS
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

WEIGHING EVERY VIEWPOINT
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

SQUEAKY CLEAN THOUGHTS
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

ROCK, PAPER, TICKET
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

CHECK YOUR MATH
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

SUPERCHARGED SWINE
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

THE LOST SOCKS
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

THE ORIGINAL IPAD
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

ALL OPPOSED SAY NEIGH
*“Um.” —First horse that got ridden *

NO ONION, NO CRY
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

WHAT’S THE QUESA-DEALLY-YO?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

STEVE MARTIN ON SUCCESS
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

GORE VIDAL ON THE FOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL WORDS
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

GORDIE HOWE ON THE LANGUAGE OF SPORTS
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

BONNIE MCFARLANE ON THE TOUGHEST LANGUAGE…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

STEVEN WRIGHT ON LANGUAGE TAPES
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

FRIENDLY COMPETITION…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

MICHAEL IAN BLACK ON MOM’S BEST DISH
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

IF YOU NEED SOMETHING DONE WRONG…
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

ELIZA BAYNE ON BIKINI DANGERS
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

NEVER LOSE A TANK
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory

THE POINT OF A CONFERENCE CALL
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

TIM SIEDELL ON THE REVENANT
The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell)

NATHAN USHER ON LUKE SKYWALKER
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times. @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)

LIZ HACKETT ON WHAT THE ’80S TAUGHT HER
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

KAREN KILGARIFF ON THE WALKING DEAD
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

THE PROBLEM WITH SCOOBY-DOO
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

JENNY MOLLEN DEFINES DRAMA
Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people. @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

SIGN IN NEW-AGEY WOODSTOCK, NEW YORK:
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND THOUGHT, FIRST FOUR DATES:
1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable

UNA LAMARCHE ON SPRING FASHION
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

TOM PARRY ON FOLK WISDOM
Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

MICHELLE WOLF ON A FRIEND’S PREGNANCY
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

AARON FULLERTON ON SPELLING
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

ROBIN MCCAULEY ON WINE
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

A BUSINESSMAN ON PERFECTION…
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

#READINGGOALS
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

BONNIE MCFARLANE ON THE KEY TO A GOOD MARRIAGE
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re Better Than Me

HONEST BRAND SLOGANS
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

BULLSEYE
Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

FLUENT IN INK
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

A CLASSIC CONUNDRUM
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

A FEW GRAMS MORE
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

WHEN RELATIVES ATTACK
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

CERTAINLY (UNDOUBTEDLY, DEFINITELY…)
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

THE SMELL OF CONFUSION
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

SIMILE AND SAY CHEESE
We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

NEVERMORE RELEVANT
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White)

READING THE FIFTH
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

SERIOUSLY, HOW MANY BLONDES?
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

COUCH POTATOES, TAKE HEART
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

A LIGHT-BULB MOMENT
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

JAY LENO ON PET SCAMS
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno

RITA RUDNER ON THE PERKS OF DOG OWNERSHIP
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

THE TRUTH ABOUT PUPPIES
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

DOG MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

HARRY HILL ON DOG ENTHUSIASM
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

THE PARADOX OF GROWN-UPS
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

DUN DUN
The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA Network. @EliBraden, comedian

THE OSCAR GOES TO…
My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

HUT, HUT, GRIPE!
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

CLEAN YOUR PLATE
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

AMIR BLUMENFELD ON EGGPLANT ALTERNATIVES
If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir (Amir Blumenfeld)

THE TASTE OF WICKER
Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade (Jason Gelles)

A BAR WALKS INTO A MAN…
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?” @JulieKlausner

HOLY VISION
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

ANTISOCIAL MEDIA
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Maria Bamford

BLOODY GOOD QUESTION
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

MILD, MILD WEST
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen on reddit.com

WELL, DISHES ANNOYING
I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. @goldengateblond (shauna)

MARGIN OF ERROR
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

ROUTER-STILTSKIN
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

STEWART FRANCIS ON SPELLING
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

TRASH OF SOCIETY
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)

PAULA POUNDSTONE ON OVER-SHARING
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

GROUCHO MARX ON MAKE OUTS
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

JAY LENO ON TWINKIES
General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

BANK ON CONFUSION
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

POOR SPORT
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

ROBERT BRAULT ON HALLOWEEN
I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

REID FAYLOR ON HALLOWEEN
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

DAVID LETTERMAN ON HALLOWEEN
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

“COME OUT WITH YOUR PANTS UP!”
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

DOGGONED DUMB
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.” Andy Kindler

DRUNKARD’S LAW
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

ARACHNI-DATE
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

SHORT ON CLASS
*“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.”

• Cargo Shorts @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)*

GAME RESPECT GAME
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

AN OLD ARMY TRUISM…
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. Source: milhist.net

PARENTING IS EASY—I SWEAR!
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad. Comedian Mark Chalifoux

DUPER MAN
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?” @Robfee

CONTESTED RULES
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else. @PeachCoffin

THE WORST PAGE IN THE DICTIONARY
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

STEVEN WRIGHT ON TOURISM
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year. Steven Wright

LEW SCHNEIDER ON SUNBLOCK
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

PETER SERAFINOWICZ, ON DENIAL
There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

MATT WOHLFARTH, ON NOSTALGIA
I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY JAY LENO
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”? Jay Leno

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY BILL BAILEY
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY BETSY SALKIND
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY JON STEWART
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Jon Stewart

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY JERRY SEINFELD
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? Jerry Seinfeld

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY GEORGE CARLIN
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

AHEAD OF THE COMPETITION
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

A BROW BEATING
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel. @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

KEN JENNINGS ON DOG WALKERS
My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?” @KenJennings

HOTEL TIME-TRAVEL
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

MAGGIE SMITH ON ANNOYING PEOPLE
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey

STEPHEN COLBERT ON INTERNSHIPS
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

THE WEIRDEST SUMMER JOB EVER
Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE. Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)

DEMETRI MARTIN'S SUMMER PLANS
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them. Demetri Martin

MY FIRST JOB…
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter. Melanie Reno

FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak)
  
• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
  
• Cinderella’s fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
  
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly
  
• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard
  
• My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

THE MEANING OF WAR
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

THANKS, MAPQUEST
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

MISFORTUNE COOKIE
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD
The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists: • In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian. Mustapha El Atrassi, France • Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … but now it’s ruined? Ismo Leikola, Finland • This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy. Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates

MATTHEW WOHLFARTH ON EXERCISE
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

ZEN KOANS FOR THE INTERNET AGE

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
  
• What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
  
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted. Brandon Specktor

DOG ON THE JOB
Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss. @rmfnord

JIMMY FALLON ON ISIS
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Jimmy Fallon

WATCH YOUR SODIUM
I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt. Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth

WHAT FEBREZE REALLY MEANS
Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.” Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail

SARAH SILVERMAN ON CLEANING HOUSE
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

THE MARK OF GOOD CLEANING
Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could totally eat off this table. Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS ON LAUNDRY
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis

DATING A HOARDER
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril

BULLETIN: STOOP SALE
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. Throwing all my crap in the garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied

MEGAN AMRAM ON MYSTERY
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. @meganamram

THE STAR OF CAKE BOSS WAS ARRESTED…
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

WHEN SMART IS TOO SMART
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. @clarkekant

PARENTING FADS ACCORDING TO THE ONION
The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm. • Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician. • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

@BILLMURRAY ON CHILD NAMING
The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available. @billmurray

HEDBERG ON HIGHLIGHTS
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

AIRPORT INSECURITY
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan “He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill. @Popcorngoddess1

NOTABLE NEVER-ISMS

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
  
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
  
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
  
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
  
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

STEER CLEAR OF THIS JOKE
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

WHERE ARE AVERAGE THINGS MANUFACTURED?

• The satisfactory.*

DID YOU DYE YOUR BEARD?
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

THE WRIGHT WAY TO GIVE
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.” Steven Wright

MAZEL TOV, MARY!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz

CHRISTMAS FREEDOM
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” Bernard Manning

INSULTING SANTA
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. Conan O'Brien

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO BAD RÉSUMÉS
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.) • Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.) • References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.) • Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!) • Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?) From resumania.com and Robert Half

IT BEATS A BOARD MEETING
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes. @juliussharpe

A FAX?
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993? From meetingboy.com

SKY'S THE LIMIT
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Source: propilots.org

DAD JOKES FROM GRANDDAD
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

CASTING A SPELL
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye. @MattGoldich

COMMON GROUND
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera. @DCpierson

…AND YOUR LITTLE BLOG, TOO!
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? @Apocalypsehow

SAY IT WITH YOUR PANTS
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

CUT AND RUN
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

HOW DO YOU DROWN A HIPSTER?
Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin

THE GREATEST DISGUISE
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. Jimmy Kimmel

I OWE MY LIFE TO JUSTIN BIEBER…
... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up to turn it off.

BACK TO THE CLEANERS
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for? @JoshGondelman

OR MAYBE WHILE BREAKDANCING
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

A COLORFUL DIET
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy Liebman

THE BETTER PALEO DIET
I’m on the Paleo diet, except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. @rexhuppke

YOU ARE WHAT YOUR EAT
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

A HOLIDAY QUIZ
“Pretend to be someone you’re not, and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day? @aaronfullerton

I'M A BUSY GHOST, PEOPLE
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers? Jerry Seinfeld

A FUN-SIZE QUIBBLE
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.” Jimmy Kimmel

THE FACE OF DECEPTION
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar Myq Kaplan

THE REAL REASON FOR SHAVING CREAM
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard … or is it just so you don’t lose your place? Jackie Flynn

WHEN IS YOUR BEARD TOO LONG?
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!” Ron Babcock

FACIAL DEDUCTION
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey

PICK A 'VEMBER, ANY 'VEMBER
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up. @ChrisThayerSays

THE SPIRIT OF MOVEMBER
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for how lazy I am. Tim Siedell

MILES AND GIGABYTES AWAY
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @Bridger_w

AIR FORCE TRUISMS
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” “Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

TERRIFIED: THE ONLY WAY TO FLY
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams. Seth Meyers

A MOMENT OF REFLECTION
I shave each morning in front of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than it actually appears. Submitted by Philip Rogers, Latham, New York

START OVER, POR FAVOR?
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.” Comedian Ronnie Shakes

FROM YOUR LIPS TO GOD’S…LIPS
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost. @IamEnidColeslaw

PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it? Comedian Sean O’Connor

PROJECTING HAPPINESS
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector. @juliussharpe

A THANKSGIVING PROBLEM
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand. @ConanOBrien

DOING THE MAN DANCE
If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen me dancing at a concert. @SammyRhodes

THE MAXIMUM-SECURITY BATHROOM
If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall? Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com

MILITANT ROACHES
I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it. —Comedian Jay London

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS…
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid. Lesley Wake

IF TRUTH BE BEAUTY…
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? Lily Tomlin

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM…
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

WHERE THERE'S A WILL…
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais

A PENNY SAVED…
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years. @Keatingthomas

TECH-NO-LIMITS
Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer? Comedian Joe Mande

THE OTHER MORTAL COILS
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine. Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, Burnsville, Minnesota

ICED TO EAT YOU
Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer! @SCbchbum

WAX ON, MOUTH OFF
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts. Comedian Myq Kaplan

I NEVER FEEL MORE…
I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about a website design. Comedian Kelly Oxford

BEFORE LINKEDIN…
Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers. @Joshmalina

SKIP TO THE GOOD PART, PLEASE
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking. @juliussharpe

LOLHUMANS.COM
*I bet cats have a secret website where they upload clips of cute humans trying to open DVD packaging and jump-start cars. @rolldiggity *

HUNTER, GATHERER, MANAGER?
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. From meetingboy.com

QUIP TO COMPLETE PURCHASE
I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the receptionist suggested I use their website. Peter Serafinowicz

KILLING TIME ONLINE
The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad. @Damienfahey

EVERY MARRIAGE NEEDS A SPIN DOCTOR
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. Submitted by reader D. T.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL 'FORCE QUIT'
I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads. Comedian Dan Burt

THE AIRBORNE OBNOXIOUS EVENT
“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.” —A burp to a sneeze Comedian Andrew Hibbard

THE ONLY QUALIFICATION…
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor. Comedian Julius Sharpe

CATCH AND RETWEET
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it. @hipstermermaid

I INVENTED A NEW WORD:
plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

PSYCHED OUT
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.

HONESTLY KIND OF FUGLY ABE
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

SPEAK SOFTLY, KICK GENTLY
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt

FIVE-FINGER FLIP-FLOP
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand ... on the other.” Harry Truman

WAKE THE PREZ
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

RIGHT TO IGNORE
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening. Bill Clinton

GORGEOUS GEORGE
I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.” Comedian Eli Yudin

LOWER YOUR EARS
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit. @ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)

PORTABLE PRIMPING
People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there. Dolly Parton

CAMERA NOSTALGIA
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

TRAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” Conan O’Brien

HOW HOT WAS IT?
It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

A UNIFIED ASSAULT
Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup) Demetri Martin

“DAD?”
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam Grittner

FATHER’S DAY IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE…
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon

I GAVE MY FATHER $100…
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner

I GOT ALL MY LOOKS…
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment. @MrBigFists

YOU’RE NEVER ALONE
If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours. @bazecraze (Alex Baze)

THE BURN OF SOLITUDE
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. @jimmykimmel

CATS ARE SMARTER
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

HOW LAZY IS HE???
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

A DOG IS MORE THAN A FRIEND
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler

A GENIUS SOLUTION
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

ELECTRICITY IS REALLY JUST…
Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

IT’S BEEN RAINING SO MUCH IN LA THAT…
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno

MY FOOD’S FOOD
There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats. —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables Parks and Recreation

THE TIME TRAVELER PROTEST
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH @johnfreiler

I HIDE PHOTOS…
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. @EliTerry

SWIMMING IS CONFUSING…
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

EVERY TIME I SAY THAT…
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision. @adamhess1

I DON’T WANT TO SAY WE EAT OUT…
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd

TAKING THE CAKE
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake is for. —@ShiraSelko

A BEEF WITH TAPAS
Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things in the world: small portions and sharing with anybody. —@EireannDolan

LUNCHTIME MVP
Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce. —@joshgondelman

EXPIRED LOGIC
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? —George Carlin

I WENT TO A RESTAURANT THAT SERVES…
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. —Steven Wright

UNTANGLING EARBUDS IS THE NEW…
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished a cardigan by now. —Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com

THE KEY TO EATING HEALTHY…
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. —Comedian Mike Birbiglia

NEXT TIME SOMEONE COMPLAINS ABOUT…
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors. —@BoobsRadley

I’D LIKE TO HAVE A KID…
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. —@DamienFahey

GIGS IN SPACE
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s always so much fun when artists do a show in their hometown. —Jimmy Fallon, on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

COMPOSING AN INSULT
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell casings during the war, it might have made for better music.” Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel •“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.” Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner •“I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music.” Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky —Source: classicfm.com

WHAT DOES IT MEAN IF…
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck? —@Suddain

IF 13 IS UNLUCKY…
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. —Mitch Hedberg

FIND A PENNY, PICK IT UP…
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot. —@JennyJohnsonHi5

TODAY IS THURSDAY THE 13TH…
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians. —@KeatingThomas

FOR EVERY SET OF HORSESHOES…
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse. —Allan Sherman

RESEARCH HAS FOUND…
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you. —Jimmy Fallon

CANDIED SCAMS
Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

NON-BELIEBER
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?” —Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns

A CHILLING REALIZATION
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

THE LATEST FOOD TREND
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.) @samir

MY WIFE SAYS I’M UNSOPHISTICATED…
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY ON…
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

WHEN I WAS A CHILD…
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

IT’S WEIRD THAT NFL PLAYERS…
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats. —@shawnries

I PREFER THE TIGHT YOGA PANTS…
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear. —@QuinnK

ANYONE WHO THINKS WOMEN…
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

MY DAD DIDN’T TEXT…
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England. —@joshgondelman

THE RULES OF FOOTBALL…
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. —Julian McCullough

ANYONE WHO’S JUST DRIVEN…
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

THERE ARE ONLY TWO TYPES OF COMPUTERS…
There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster. —anonymous

I’D LIKE THE WINDOW…
I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life. —@AaronFullerton

A DIGITAL DICTIONARY
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” —Dave Barry

ONE CAN PLAY…
“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire. —@meganamram

BARK-ALAUREATE OF FINE ARTS
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree. —@SCbchbum

THE LATEST CRAZE
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack. —@ClarkeKant

THE LIMITS OF TECHNOLOGY
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. —Emo Philips

A MOTHER’S LAMENT
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois

TIP FROM AN OFFICE DRONE
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again. —@9to5Life

WORDS SAVE LIVES
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John McDowell

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. —@RickCouchman

HUT GLUT
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. —@Leemanish

NEW YORK STRAIT OF MIND
The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is. —Jimmy Fallon

IF MEN HAVE A SMELL…
If men have a smell, it's usually an accident. —Jeff Foxworthy

THE MEANING OF LIFE
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. —George Carlin

IT’S NOT THAT I’M AFRAID TO DIE…
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. —Woody Allen

IT’S NOT THAT SMALL
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright

IF YOU STOP EATING DOUGHNUTS…
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut. —Lewis Black

FOUNDING FALLACY
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. —Stephen Colbert

IF GOD WANTED US TO FLY…
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

A LITTLE LEVITY
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.

PICKETING PROBLEM
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg

THE BEAUTY OF THE DICTIONARY
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. —Steven Wright

WHY BABIES CRY ON PLANES
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me. —Rob Delaney

PHILOSOPHY LESSON
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. —George Carlin

I SAW A WINO…
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." —Mitch Hedberg

I NEVER USE A NAPKIN…
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself. —Hannibal Buress

I NEVER FORGET A FACE…
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. —Groucho Marx

WHY I LIKE LONG WALKS
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

I HAVEN’T SLEPT…
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. —Mitch Hedberg

WHAT A RIPOFF
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. —Steven Wright

I ALWAYS WANTED…
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

PSYCHICS DOWN ON THEIR LUCK?
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"? —Jay Leno

THE BEAUTY OF A BOOKSTORE
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. —Jerry Seinfeld

GIVE ME GOLF CLUBS…
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. —Jack Benny

SO MATH=THE DEVIL
Equations are the devil's sentences. —Stephen Colbert

DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. —George Carlin

CLONES
Clones are people two.

HIGHWAY ADOPTION
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? —Zach Galifianakis

IN DEFENSE OF FOOTBALL
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

PIRATE LOGIC
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates. —Brandon Specktor

ROMANCE, DEFINED
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. —Kristen Schaal

FREUDIAN SLIP
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A FEMINIST JUMPS OUT OF A MANHOLE
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that. —Bill Bailey

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.

“WAIT, WHAT TIME IS IT??”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped. —Lena Dunham

GPS, DON’T FAIL ME NOW!
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

IT CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. —Johnny Carson

A DIAMOND KEY
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. —Joan Rivers

A STUDY IN CONTRASTS
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people. —Jim Eason

WHY MARRIAGE IS DIFFICULT
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

SIMPLICITY IS BEST
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. —Johnny Carson

IT WAS A LONG GAME
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead. —Bob Hope

TO GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE WE GO
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. —Rita Rudner

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTFUL
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

TROUBLE REMEMBERING
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is. —Fred Allen

CAR TROUBLES
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? —George Carlin

SERIOUSLY?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. —Jim Carrey

THE SECRET TO ERRANDS
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. —Red Skeleton

FADE INTO DARKNESS
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. —Steve Martin

HERE, TAKE MY MONEY
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes. —Chris Rock

SORE LOSER
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost. —Martina Navratilova

SLEEP WALKING
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

IS IT WORKING?
When in doubt, look intelligent. —Garrison Keillor

WHAT POOR TIMING
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. —Garrison Keillor

I’LL DREAM OF IT INSTEAD
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. —Mindy Kaling

AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. —Julia Child

THE MILLENNIAL BREAKFAST CLUB
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. —Jon Stewart

AMERICA’S PASSTIME
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach. —Chris Rock

HEY KID…
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. —Paula Poundstone

THE COMMON MAN’S DEFINITION
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of. —Burt Bacharach

WHICH IS MORE USEFUL?
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime. —Josh Hodgman

ALSO KNOWN AS A SMART MAN
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. —Robert Frost

3.14 PIECES TO BE EXACT
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. —David Mamet

MELVILLE V. SCHWARZENEGGER
Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page. —Aziz Ansari

AT YOUR SERVICE
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin

SOUND ADVICE
Never eat more than you can lift. —Miss Piggy

POSITIVE THINKING
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.” —Craig Ferguson

IT’S WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING, ANYWAY
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. —Mindy Kaling

IN A FOOD COURT NEAR YOU
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen DeGeneres

HE NEVER SAID BEST FRIEND…
Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them. —John Hodgman

DID YOU TRY THE ONE WHERE…
Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way. —Franklin P. Jones

THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PAIN PROBLEMS!
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. —Lily Tomlin

THE JOYS OF FATHERHOOD
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. —Jon Stewart

CAN I GET A YEE-HAW?
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. —Dierks Bentley

THE TRUTH ABOUT UNHAPPINESS
As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet. —Mindy Kaling

SOME LIKE IT HOT
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. —Mindy Kaling

A LIBERAL APPETITE
I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer. @jimmyfallon #mycrazydad

TWEETER’S DIGEST: JUST CHILL
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising? @RobinMcCauley

TO SERVE AND REFLECT
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs. Comedian Bonnie McFarlane

LET’S “LIKE” UNCERTAINTY
I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on. Comedian Ophira Eisenberg

THIS DYSLEXIC GUY…
So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

A MAN WALKS INTO…
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."

FRIED AND TRUE
All I want is for people to be as excited to see me as they are when finding a curly fry amongst their regular ones. —@thejohnblog Girls love french fries. But only if they didn’t order them. —@nickspears

BOO!
I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold. —Comedian Matt Weinhold

PEN IN CHEEK
Here are intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, courtesy of the annual Lyttle Lytton Contest: “Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.” “It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.” “‘BOOM!’ said the bomb very loudly.” “‘Ooh la la!’ whispered Larry in French.” “She had the kind of face that made you want to say, ‘Hey, look at your face!’”

ONE-TOPPING MIND
Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?” —Comedian Bob Marley

CLIPPING THE MIDDLE MAN
Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house. —@juliussharpe

I LOVE YOU TOO, WEBSITE
Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.” —@AaronFullerton

WANT THAT SUPERSIZED?
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich.” —Jim Gaffigan

CONGRATULATIONS! NOW, ABOUT ME…
Stephen Colbert to students at the University of Virginia: “Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is sort of our thing."

IMMORTAL ONE-LINERS, PART 3
Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

IMMORTAL ONE-LINERS, PART 2
Old daredevils never die; they just get discouraged.

IMMORTAL ONE-LINERS, PART 1
Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

THE ONLY WAY TO GO
I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it. —Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

A COMMON ENEMY
Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. —Conan O’Brien

CURSED WORDS
“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life. —Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com

WHAT DOESN’T KILL YA…
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry Seinfeld

SPOKEN LIKE A HARVARD GRAD
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O'Brien

FAMILY FEUD?
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller

LOVE ADVICE
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West

MAYBE YOU’D PREFER SPIN CLASS
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle

OUT OF WORK?
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.—Slappy White

FUNNY DEFINITION
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks

EVEN IN HD
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen

THE MEANING OF LIFE
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen

BARKEEP!
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen

WOES OF BEING A WRITER
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

TAKE A HIKE!
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen

SHORT-TERM MEMORY
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen

WE THOUGHT THEY REALLY HAD TO GO
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck

SPOKEN BY THE 99 PERCENT
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker

THIS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker

NICE TO MEET YOU?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx

REMEMBER ME
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen

ALL I REALLY NEED
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.—Jack Benny

HOWMANYWASTHAT?
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns

CHURCH CHUCKLE
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as together as possible.—George Burns

FREE RIDE
A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields

BOB HOPE CLASSIC!
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope

TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman

YOUR MOVE
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess. —Matt Kirshen

PROUD MOM
I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

A QUIET GROUP
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

OUT WITH THE NEW
Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

CUSTOMER SERVICE
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

THE FRIENDLY SKIES
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

PHONE BOOK
I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

RUMINATIONS
Ruminations.com asks its users to reflect upon everyday life. Here are three observations everyone can relate to: Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside. Is anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoe box as I am? More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story, which not only is better but also more directly involves me.

FINDING THE RIGHT WORDS
When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.

FUNNY FICTIONAL FICTION
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace

MEMORABLE VACATION
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.”

SMART SOLES Never trust a man with a tassel on his loafer. It’s like, What, did your foot just graduate?

ON THE WRONG SIDE I have a bad attitude. When I was a kid, I wore Lex Luthor underwear.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OPTIMIST AND A PESSIMIST
What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?"" I asked my husband.
He thought for a minute before responding, ""An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute.""

LEARNING IN SWITZERLAND
My parents sent me to military school in Switzerland. There they taught me how to be neutral.

SCREEN SAVER QUESTION
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?

HELP WANTED
A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: "RIP Sandy. We will miss you. Server needed."

INSPIRING JOB
If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?

MIRROR IMAGE
Always weird to meet your stunt double. It's like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.

SPEED READER
I don't know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

BREAKING UP
You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?

EVERYTHING BAGELS
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

LEFT UNSAID
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

ON MEDITATION
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

PARTY TIME
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

JOB CHANGE
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

UNCONTAINED EXCITEMENT
A sign outside a nursery: "It's spring! We're so excited, we wet our plants!"

BEING HONEST
Overheard in a ladies' fitting room: "Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?" "Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big."

BIG PROBLEM
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

ROLE PLAYING
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.

THE JOY OF DISCOVERY
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

MAGICIAN
I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

TROUBLED MUSIC
Why was the opera singer arrested? He got into treble.

PROCRASTINATOR
My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

NO IN-LAWS
Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

BAD BREATH
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings: "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

QUIPS FROM P. G. WODEHOUSE
In honor of British humorist P. G. Wodehouse's 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

*He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.' *

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

You look white and shaken, like a dry martini.

THE CLOTHES MAKE THE CAT
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

MOTIVATIONAL TACTICS
A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question "What motivates you to come to work every day?" One guy answered, "Probation officer."

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

APÉRITIF
Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."

THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT…
The meek shall inherit the earth … if it's okay with the rest of you.

HOMETOWN HEROES
Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.

EVER WONDER…
Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC
During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

DISCOUNT SHOPPING
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.

ROYAL ATTIRE
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!

SEPTIC HUMOR
A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."

A MEANINGFUL QUESTION
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

STYLISH NUMBERS
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. "Nice belt!"

ALWAYS SILENT
If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

FEET CONDITIONS
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

GOING AND GOING
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

SMALL DOG
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

STUDYING A DIFFERENT DRAMA
What do you call a rap star who has studied classical music?

Yo Yo Ma Ma.

TAKING YOUR MONEY
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?

SPOILED ROTTEN
What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.

UNDERWATER
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?…Dam!

CONTRADICTION
Seen on the door of a repair shop:
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn't work.)

Bad Puns

CORNY PIRATE HUMOR
Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn?
A. A buccaneer.

WAY WITH WORDS
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

MARK IT UP
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

BEAT IN BATTLE
Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
A. It had too many sleepless knights.

POPULATION PUN
Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

FRANCE’S FAVORITE GAME
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."

CLOWN COURTESY
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

NON-CENTS-ICAL
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

TIME ON MY SIDE
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

FIXER UPPER
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

WEIGHT AND SEE
Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

THAT’S DEEP
All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

THIS JOKE’S IN TENTS
Q. Why can't you run through a campground?
A. You can only ran, because it's past tents. (Credit: @punnstagram)

THE TRUTH IS OUT
Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

KNOW YOUR ABCS
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

DINOSAUR GROANS
Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A. A dino-snore.

HARRY PUNNER
Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend?
A. They're both cauld ron. (Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)

A FAN FAVORITE
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

THAT’S JUST NOT WRITE
Want to hear something terrible? Paper. See? I told you it was tear-able.

OR WAS IT A SODASTREAM?
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

CHOO CHOO!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

OH, MAN!
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

JUST CAN’T TRUST ‘EM
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!

THIS IS INTENSE
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.

ATOMICALLY LOST
An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

RIP
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?  It was a grave mistake.

WASTE OF TIME
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.

THE VERY BEST TIME, HANDS DOWN
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

NOT IN MOURNING
I hate how funerals are always at 9
A.m.  I’m not really a mourning person.

A LITTLE OFF-BALANCE
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

BASEBALL NUT
Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.

A SMOKING-HOT DEAL
The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.” The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

REACH!
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?

STRING FIGHT
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

SILK TIES
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

POLICE INVESTIGATION
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

YOU DON’T WANT TO GET BUSY IN AN ELEVATOR
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

DON’T TRY TO STEAL A CALENDAR
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

A LAUGHING MOTORCYCLE
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

TOUCANS
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

SODA TO THE HEAD
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

BRAIN TRANSPLANT
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

MISTAKE ON THE CALENDAR
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

TENDER WOOD
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

BURIAL PLOT
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

BICYCLE AND TRICYCLE
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

PUN WELL DONE
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

ORIGAMI FAIL
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

RUN FORREST
What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1Forrest1

CAN CRUSHER
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

KLEPTOMANIA
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

PETER PAN
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

SCARED MATHEMATICIAN
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

A MESSY LIBRARY
What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

SOCRATES’ STUDENTS
Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

NAP TIME IS SERIOUS BUSINESS
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

THERE’S AN OLD SAYING…
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

ACUPUNCTURE TREATMENT
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

SO THAT’S WHY THEY’RE RED…
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

HAIR DYE
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.

THIS PLATE IS HOT
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

STRAIGHT TO THE GLUTES
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
A: To get better buns.

WHAT’S THE QUESA-DEALLY-YO?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

TEN DIFFERENT PUNS
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

ANTENNA LOVE
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

DANCING TOO HARD
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

THE BOY WHO TRIED TO CATCH FOG
Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.

WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN
What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

LONG DISTANCE LOVE
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

SWEET ROMANCE
Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner?
A: Because he couldn't find a date.

ARMAGEDDON
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

CAN YOU MOOOOOVE?
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

DRIVING STICK
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

SHOPPING CENTERS ARE ALL SO SIMILAR
The thing I don’t like about shopping centers… When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.

Puns

VILLAGE IDIOM
There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. —Albert Sloan

IN A NUTSHELL
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. —Gary Delaney, comedian

LOST LUGGAGE
Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? A: He lost his case.

BOOK HEAD
Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book? Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

MAKE DO
Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.

STAY OFF MY WIFI
Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

RIDING ATTIRE
What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

EXPENSIVE WIGS
Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'

SHIPWRECK
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

CORNY PIRATE HUMOR
Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A. A buccaneer.

WAY WITH WORDS
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

MARK IT UP
I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

BEAT IN BATTLE
Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight? A. It had too many sleepless knights.

POPULATION PUN
Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

FRANCE’S FAVORITE GAME
I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."

CLOWN COURTESY
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

NON-CENTS-ICAL
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

TIME ON MY SIDE
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

FIXER UPPER
Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

WEIGHT AND SEE
Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

THAT’S DEEP
All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

THIS JOKE’S IN TENTS
Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents. (Credit: @punnstagram)

THIEF!
What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile

MAYBEE I WILL, MAYBEE I WON’T
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe

HIYA!
What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop

MELON FRIENDS
Q: What did the watermelon say to the cantaloupe? A: You're one in a melon

GREASY LOVE
Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.

GOOD LOOKING PINEAPPLE
If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple

TOMATO LOVE
I love you from my head tomatoes

DINOSAUR CAR CRASH
Q: What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A: T-Rex

DOOR FROG
Q: What job did the frog have at the hotel? A: Bellhop

KARATE PIG
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: Pork chop

EVERYDAY POTATO
Q: What do you call an everyday potato? A: A commentator

BABY ALIEN
Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep? A: You rocket

CROCODILE CRIME
Q: What do you call a thieving crocodile? A: A crookodile

LAZY KANGAROO
Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato

VOLCANO LOVE
Q: What did the volcano say to his wife? A: I lava you

MAGICIAN OWL
Q: What do you call and owl that does magic tricks? A: Hoodini

SICK BANANA
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor? A: It wasn't peeling well

FANCY FISH
Q: What do you call a classy fish? A: Sofishticated

TOOTHLESS BEAR
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: Gummybear

JUNGLE CAT RACE
Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!

SPACE PARTY
Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet

DON’T BECOME A VEGETARIAN
Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

GATOR MYSTERY
Q: What do you call and alligator in a vest? A: An investigator

CLOUD UNDIES
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear

KNOW YOUR ABCS
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

DINOSAUR GROANS
Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A. A dino-snore.

HARRY PUNNER
Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend? A. They're both cauld ron. (Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)

A FAN FAVORITE
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

THAT’S JUST NOT WRITE
Want to hear something terrible? Paper. See? I told you it was tear-able.

OR WAS IT A SODASTREAM?
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

CHOO CHOO!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

OH, MAN!
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

JUST CAN’T TRUST ‘EM
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!

THIS IS INTENSE
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.

ATOMICALLY LOST
An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

RIP
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?  It was a grave mistake.

WASTE OF TIME
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.

THE VERY BEST TIME, HANDS DOWN
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

NOT IN MOURNING
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.  I’m not really a mourning person.

A LITTLE OFF-BALANCE
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

BASEBALL NUT
Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.

A SMOKING-HOT DEAL
The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.” The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

A LIZARD WALKS INTO…
A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."

REACH!
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?

STRING FIGHT
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

SILK TIES
Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

POLICE INVESTIGATION
Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

YOU DON’T WANT TO GET BUSY IN AN ELEVATOR
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

DON’T TRY TO STEAL A CALENDAR
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

A LAUGHING MOTORCYCLE
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

TOUCANS
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

SODA TO THE HEAD
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

BRAIN TRANSPLANT
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

MISTAKE ON THE CALENDAR
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

TENDER WOOD
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

BURIAL PLOT
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

BICYCLE AND TRICYCLE
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

SPAGHETTI BIKE
I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

PUN WELL DONE
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

ORIGAMI FAIL
I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

RUN FORREST
What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1Forrest1

YOU CAN’T AFFORD THIS PUN
Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They're always raisinet.

CAN CRUSHER
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

KLEPTOMANIA
I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

PETER PAN
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

SCARED MATHEMATICIAN
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

A MESSY LIBRARY
What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

SOCRATES’ STUDENTS
Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

NAP TIME IS SERIOUS BUSINESS
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

THERE’S AN OLD SAYING…
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

ACUPUNCTURE TREATMENT
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

SO THAT’S WHY THEY’RE RED…
Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

HAIR DYE
When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.

YOU BUTTER BE QUIET
Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter? A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it.

NEVER TRUST A VEGGIE
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm? A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

THIS PLATE IS HOT
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese!

PARK YOUR BUNS
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: Because he was on a roll.

STRAIGHT TO THE GLUTES
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym? A: To get better buns.

WHAT’S THE QUESA-DEALLY-YO?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

TEN DIFFERENT PUNS
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

ANTENNA LOVE
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

DANCING TOO HARD
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

THE BOY WHO TRIED TO CATCH FOG
Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.

WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN
What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

LONG DISTANCE LOVE
“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

SWEET ROMANCE
Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner? A: Because he couldn't find a date.

ARMAGEDDON
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

CAN YOU MOOOOOVE?
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.

DRIVING STICK
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

SHOPPING CENTERS ARE ALL SO SIMILAR
The thing I don’t like about shopping centers… When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.

THE HIP WAY TO EAT
Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? A: Put it in a man bun.

DONUT FACTORY
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.

WHY DID THE GYM

?
*Why did the gym *

* down? – It just didn’t work out.*

“COME ON, I’M A FUNGI.”
Q. How much room should you give fungi to grow? A. As mushroom as possible.

I HAVE AN OKAY CEILING
My ceiling isn’t the best… But it’s up there!!!

EMBARRASSED TOMATO
Why did the tomato blush? – Because it saw the salad dressing.

I ATE A WATCH
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

ESCAR-DONT-GO
Q: Why do French people eat snails? A: Because they won't touch fast food.

STORYTELLING CATS
Why are cats bad storytellers? – Because they only have one tale.

CLEANING THE SPICE RACK
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. – What a waste of thyme.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU MELONS…
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons? A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.

CHINESE VANDALISM
Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.

BEST TIME OF THE DAY
6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

LOST LUGGAGE
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. – I lost my case.

BURIED ALIVE
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

RUNNING WITH THE CARS
Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

SPYGHETTI
Q: What do you call a dishonest noodle? A: An Impasta.

THE DEATH OF BOILING WATER
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

ZEN MASTER VISITS THE DENTIST
Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

STICKS FLOAT
Sticks float. They would.

ESKIMOS IN A KAYAK
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING, EXCEPT THE SMOKED SALMON
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

CAMOUFLAGE TROUSERS
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

CANNIBALS AND CLOWNS
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

PAPER FACTORY LIFE
I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.

I MEANT WELL
Last week I called someone a watering hole but I meant well.

FILM PLOTS, BADLY EXPLAINED
*Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan • Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist • Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott • The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the *

t.    @SueChainzz From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

THE CASE OF THE ILLEGAL MAH-JONG GAME
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust: Golden Girls, Interrupted The Lavender Hair Mob Indicting Miss Daisy No Country for Old Women The Social Security Network

WHAT KIND OF EXERCISE DO LAZY PEOPLE DO?
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

DOLPHIN SPY THRILLERS
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

ROLLER DERBY TEAMS FOR BOOK NERDS
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

MY DAILY REGIMEN
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. Source: gcfl.net

THE CALCULATING SHEEPDOG
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii

TRASH OF SOCIETY
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)

PAULA POUNDSTONE ON OVER-SHARING
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

TOTO, WE’RE NOT IN CANS ANYMORE…
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah

NEW AND IMPROVED NAMES FOR BORING EVERYDAY THINGS
• Couch = People Shelf • Books = Manual Films • Bracelets = Clockless Watches • Air Horn = Spray Scream • Bottled Water = Snowman Blood • Feather = Bird Leaf From sliptalk.com

BLESSED ARE THE RED-NECKED
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?” “I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.” Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, Mauston, Wisconsin

THE WORST PAGE IN THE DICTIONARY
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

THE SMELL OF DELTA
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.” “Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King  “Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali “Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz “The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

A TOUGH QUESTION, BY ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

AHEAD OF THE COMPETITION
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

WHY DID THE CHICKEN GO TO…
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance? A: To get to the other side.

PARENTING, THE DAD-JOKE WAY
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since. @trmiller1326, from reddit.com

THE WORST STREETS IN AMERICA
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr. • Vicious Circle • West 943,185th Street • Psycho Path • Peoples Ct. • Nofriggin Way From humorlabs.com

MATTHEW WOHLFARTH ON EXERCISE
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

ZEN KOANS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self? • To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted. Brandon Specktor

HEDBERG ON HIGHLIGHTS
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

TEN COMMANDMENTS BY POPULAR WEBSITES
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites... I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images? IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday? VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

STEER CLEAR OF THIS JOKE
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

OVER-THE-HILL BAND NAMES
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply • Minivan Morrison • The Early Byrds • WalkDMC From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

WORST FIRST SENTENCE
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being his former first mate.”

WHERE ARE AVERAGE THINGS MANUFACTURED?
The satisfactory.

WINTER PUNDERLAND
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.” Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

DAD JOKES FROM GRANDDAD
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

WARNING LABELS WE CAN REALLY USE:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?” Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.” From gcfl.net

HOW DO YOU DROWN A HIPSTER?
Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin

GRAMMAR KILLS
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.” The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

METAL BANDS FOR KIDS
Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see: • Rage Against the Curfew • Food Fighters • Electric Night-Light Orchestra • Alice in Time-Out • Math Test Dummies • Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band • Onesie Direction From humorlabs.com

BAD, BETTER, BEST
3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division. Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better name for a senior citizen home. PetSmart is a good name for a pet store, but the best name for a university. Andy Simmons

PUT-DOWNS DOWN UNDER
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A BARGAIN YOU SHOULDN'T PASS OVER
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch: • “A home suited for free spirits” • “Mostly not haunted” • “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners” • “A place for all your possessions” • “This house has good bones” • “Your kids will make new friends”

WHO'S THE REAL TURKEY?
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.

10-PIN PUNS
I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team. It’s a woman’s bowling squad called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, Benton Harbor, Michigan

BARBERSHOP BLUNDERS
The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?” Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine

REDNECK MOVIE QUOTES
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her ’68 Rambler into mine.” From humorlabs.com

THE PERPETUAL PIZZA PUN-OFF
A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with: •Semper Pie •The Lasting Supper •In-dough-structible •Pizza de Resistance •DeFrigNo! •Auld Lang Slice •Eternal Piece •Grandpapa John’s Pizza

POPULAR NSA PICK-UP LINES
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all my life.” @Adonish_P From #NSAPickUpLines

I INVENTED A NEW WORD:
plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

THE DEVICE TOO BIG TO FAIL
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.” Source: textsfromlastnight.com

ZERO SUM PUNS
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

ZEN AND THE ART OF BREAKFAST
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

NEW WORLD GAMBLING
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

WHAT’S THE BEST THING…
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

WHERE DO GEEKS GO…
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time? A: A wonky-tonk. Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

CLUCK LIFE
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

WHAT’S BROWN AND…
Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

WHY SHOULD 288…
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross.

WHY DO MATHEMATICIANS…
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs.

NOAH AND THE SNAKES
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A NUMBER…
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral.

VICE PRESIDENT OF ROCK
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm

SOLVE FOR XX
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? A: Because you should never drink and derive.

INFINITELY MANY MATHEMATICIANS…
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A LINE…
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE VEGAN DEVIL…
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper? He sold his soul to seitan.

WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.” Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah

THE WISDOM OF A DEFEATED HUSBAND
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.” Barbara Biderson, Huntington Beach, California

HOW DO YOU GET DOWN…
Q: How do you get down from an elephant? A: You don't. You get down from a goose.

SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES!
Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.

WHY ARE FROGS…
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them.

WITH POINTED FANGS I…
Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I? A: A stapler

EXPIRED LOGIC
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? —George Carlin

THE READER, THE WRITER, AND THE LION
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

CANDIED SCAMS
Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW E-READER?
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

WHY DO WE TELL ACTORS…
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

WHY AREN’T DOGS…
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet!

WHAT KIND OF COAT…
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on? A: A coat of paint.

DIVE RIGHT IN
What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

WHY DO COWS HAVE BELLS…
Q: Why do cows have bells? A: Because their horns don't work.

A JUGGLER, A TIGHTROPE WALKER, AND A CLOWN…
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn't the lion eat the clown? A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

HOW MANY SECONDS…
Q: How many seconds are there in one year? A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

WHY ARE FOOTBALL STADIUMS…
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool? A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

WHICH IS FASTER…
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold? A: Heat, because you can catch cold!

WHY IS SIX AFRAID…
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine!

A CHILLING REALIZATION
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY ON…
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

WHEN I WAS A CHILD…
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

WHAT DOES CHARLES DICKENS…
Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?   A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENT BETWEEN A CAT…
Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma?   A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

WHICH DINOSAUR KNEW…
Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?   A: The thesaurus.

WHY DO ARTISTS…
Why do artists constantly feel cold?   Because they're surrounded by drafts.

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME
My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” Deb Morris, North Creek, New York

LAMPOONING LANCE
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the Schwinn —From topfive.com

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. —@RickCouchman

NO UMBRELLAS AT THE NORTH POLE?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

REINDEER LESSONS
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

GREEN THUMB?
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

GREAT WHITE CHRISTMAS
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

OH, IGET IT
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

COMB ON!
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY!
Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

OPEN MIC NIGHT AT THE NORTH POLE
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

CHRISTMAS IN EDEN
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

YULE LOG
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Yule log. Yule log who? Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?

DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. —George Carlin

CLONES
Clones are people two.

BETTER THAN HIS GHOUL-COUSIN…
Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom? A: His ghoulfriend.

MUY PICANTE
Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeño business!

WE ALL KEA!
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.” Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

A PARTICULAR PROBLEM
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything. Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

CROSS-EYED CONVERSATION
What did one eye say to the other? "Don't look now, but something between us smells."

CONVEX
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Convex. Convex who? Convex go to prison!

PUNSTER’S THEOREM
Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: "Ten Q." Teacher: "You're welcome."

CANNIBAL HUMOR
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

WEEKLY POKER GAME
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

MY WIFE WAS IN LABOR…
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked. "Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."

HOW DOES MOSES MAKE TEA?
How does Moses make tea? He brews.

SOUL SINGING DUCK
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

JOB SECURITY
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

HUMOR THIEVES
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN …
The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. From gcfl.com

RUNAWAY BAGEL
How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

THE HUMAN CANNONBALL
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire. "But you can't!" protests the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

THE PUN CONTEST
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A BOTHERSOME BROTHER
Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

AN UNBALANCED BIKE
Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired.

WHY WERE ALL THE INK SPOTS CRYING?
Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

REPLACEMENTS
As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. "That was my grandfather's," he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. "Of course, it's been through three new heads since he last used it."

TOO SHORT
The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client's file that read "Insured has POO on damaged items."

TWITTER ADDICTION
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

A BELIEVER
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …

FUNNY E-MAIL
Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."

GOT CHANGE?
Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

WHO WILL WIN?
I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg.

I thought, Now, this could be interesting.

A GREAT POSITION
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."

FAMOUS CHARACTERS
While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he'd gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theater and is usually lit."

FUNNY FICTIONAL FICTION
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace

HARRY POTTER SEQUELS
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

DIAGNOSIS
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

EXPLAINING MY JOB
It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defense contractor."

One of the guys was intrigued. "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

BLAME CANADA
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north. Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

NEW WORDS
There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

HOUSE KEEPING
My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

STEP LADDER
I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don't get along with my real ladder.

GHOSTWRITER
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.

SCOTTISH FOLK
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

NAME GAME
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

IN DEMAND
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.

"Isn't the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"

"Don't worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most."

GUESSING GAME
Once I'd finished reviewing my daughter's homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?" I asked. "I'll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music." "An iPod?" she guessed. "

," I said. "But what I'm thinking of is a little smaller." "A Shuffle!"

SUPERPOWERS
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"

He replied, "Russia."

THE KING AND HIS MEN
A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"

In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.

"Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."

FLIGHT OF THE BUZZARD
Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of carrion."

STRIPPING TITLES
We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we:

GUILTY
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won't give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."

"So what you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their way?"

STRIPPING TITLES
We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we:

GUILTY
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won't give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."

"So what you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their way?"

IN THE STOMACH
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

STREET NAME
Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What's your street name?" I asked.

"I don't have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."

TALK LIKE A PIRATE
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

GET THE HOOK!
What did the ill comic say in the hospital?

"I'm here … all weak!

CALL WAITING
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

ADOPTED WATCHERS
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"

CHANGING WAYS
Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

LAWN-MOWER NAMES
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names. Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.

LOSING LIMBS
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

SPEAKING SLOWLY
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he'd bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, "All right. Here's my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable." "How's that going to get your point across?" the clerk asked, scratching his head. "Don't worry," Hoss said. "Sue's not the greatest reader. She'll say it real slow."

THE SALESMAN
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?

A used karma dealer.

SOMEONE SPECIAL
A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."

They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.

The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.

"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."

Quick Jokes

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus. These are the funniest jokes about all 50 U.S. states.

I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them. If you got a laugh from this, check out these other math jokes.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?
" Because every play has a cast.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Knock! Knock! Who's there?
Control Freak.
Con... OK, now you say, "Control Freak who?"*

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."

"Why the big pause? asks the bartender.
" The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you're probably a genius.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space. Don't miss these other science jokes every nerd will appreciate.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything. Here are some more of our favorite chemistry jokes ever.

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory. These are our favorite jokes of all time.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

How does Moses make tea?
He brews.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it. Check out more funny puns here.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Check out the favorite hilarious jokes of famous comedy writers.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it! Here are some dad jokes that will make you laugh out loud.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta. If these short jokes are giving you a laugh, here are more dumb and funny jokes.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse. Found that funny?*
Get a chuckle at these corny jokes.

What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I'll go on a head.

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador. Don't forget to read some of our favorite dog jokes.

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.

What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen. Here are 50 bad jokes you can't help but laugh at.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away. These daily life jokes will give you even more to laugh about.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.

What is an astronaut's favorite part on a computer?
The space bar.

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code. For more short jokes, here are 21 anti-jokes you'll actually find funny.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house. Next, celebrate National Tell-a-Joke Day with these 25 corny jokes.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised. Make sure to remember these 25 clever jokes that instantly make you sound smart.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.

How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?*
If you’re a word nerd, here are 20 grammar jokes that are hilarious.

Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90. Don’t miss 36 more math jokes that will have you cracking up.

Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

How does a rabbi make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer. Next, read up on 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications. Like animal jokes?*
Here are 17 horse jokes you can’t help but laugh at.

Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

How do you throw a space party?
You planet. Don’t miss these 16 physics jokes every science lover will appreciate.

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.

What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train. Try these other silly jokes for kids.

Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.

Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.

Irony

What's ironic about the Bible?
In one of the most interesting irony examples, the most shoplifted book in America is The Bible.

What's ironic about Alcoholics Anonymous?
The founder of AA asked for whiskey on his deathbed. (The nurse refused.) These are the 51 funniest things to ever happen at a doctor's office.

What's ironic about McDonald's?
In one of the more hilarious examples of irony, McDonalds' employee health page, which is now shut down, once warned against eating McDonald's burgers and fries.

What's ironic about A Charlie Brown Christmas?
Every year ABC cuts down A Charlie Brown Christmas—a movie about the over-commercialization of the holidays—to make room for more commercials.

What's ironic about Charlie Chaplin?
He once entered a "Charlie Chaplin walk" contest… and came in 20th. If you think these ironic examples are funny, these hilarious classroom stories are guaranteed to give you a laugh.

What's ironic about the inventor of the stop sign?
"Father of Traffic Safety" William Eno invented the stop sign, crosswalk, traffic circle, one-way street, and taxi stand—but never learned how to drive. A prime example of irony, as he never got the chance to benefit from his own invention. Don't miss these anti-jokes that are so unfunny, they're funny.

What's ironic about the Church of Scientology?
The Cult Awareness Network (CAN), once a leading anti-cult hotline, is now owned by the Church of Scientology.

What's ironic about Al Capone?
Al Capone's older brother was a federal Prohibition agent. Check out these witty bar jokes that everyone can remember.

What's ironic about the man who invented basketball?
The only losing basketball coach in University of Kansas history is James Naismith—the man who invented basketball in 1891. This hilarious example of irony proves that just because you thought of the idea doesn't always mean you'll be the best at executing it.

What's ironic about Pizza Hut?
Before 2012, the largest purchaser of kale in America was Pizza Hut. They used it as garnish around their salad bars. Here are some funny work cartoons to get you through the week.

What's ironic about Julius Caesar?
The site where Julius Caesar was murdered in 44 BC is now a no-kill animal shelter for homeless cats.

What's ironic about Alexander Graham Bell?
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone but refused to keep one in his study. He feared it would distract him from his work. Here are 14 history jokes only history buffs will understand.

What's ironic about duct tape?
According to researchers, duct tape should never be used for sealing ducts. Talk about funny ironic examples!

What's ironic about a hotel made of ice?
Another funny example of irony, Sweden's famous Ice Hotel has a smoke detector.

What's ironic about a man who survived going over Niagara Falls?
The first man to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel died after slipping on an orange peel.

What's ironic about the inventor of Liquid Paper?
She was fired from her secretarial job for failing to white-out a mistake. If you're laughing at these irony examples, you'll love these 50 bad jokes that you can't help but laugh at.

What's ironic about a speech disorder?
The condition of not being able to pronounce the letter R is called… "rhotacism."

What's ironic about Q-tips?
Q-tips, which are usually bought primarily to clean inside your ears, are sold in boxes that expressly warn: "Do not insert inside the ear canal." Just like these irony examples, these 20 cartoons prove that real life is funnier than any standup routine.

What's ironic about bullfighting?
Bill Hillman, a bullfighting enthusiast, wrote a book called How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona, all about how to avoid being gored by bulls. Three weeks after the release of the book, he was gored by a bull.

What's ironic about spelling bees?
In 2011, the winners of an elementary school spelling bee in Utah received a trophy reading "Viewmont Spellling Bee, 1st Place." Quite the example of irony—not only that the trophy contained a misspelling, but that it was the word "spelling." Here are 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.

What's ironic about The Beatles?
In 2002, a tree was planted in a park in Los Angeles in memory of Beatles guitarist George Harrison. The tree later died after being infested by beetles.

What's ironic about the McDonald's jingle?
Before he became a star, Pharrell Williams was fired from McDonald's three different times. Years later, he would help write and produce the company's iconic "I'm Lovin' It" jingle.

What's ironic about Match.com?
Gary Kremen, the founder of Match.com, encouraged everyone he knew to join it, including his girlfriend. She eventually left him for a man she met on Match.com.

What's ironic about crossword puzzles?
When crossword puzzles debuted in the early twentieth century, the New York Times was very critical of them, calling them "a primitive sort of mental exercise." In 1942, the Times published its first crossword puzzle, and today, the New York Times crossword is the most famous one in America. If you're laughing at these irony examples, then check out these 25 clever jokes that'll make you sound smart.

What's ironic about lifeguards?
In 1985, a group of New Orleans lifeguards gathered at the municipal pool to celebrate the fact that no one had drowned at the pool that past summer. After the party, they discovered the fully-clothed body of a man who had drowned in the pool.

What's ironic about lawsuits?
In 2009, the Guinness Book of World records named Jonathan Lee Riches the record-holder for suing the largest number of people. Angrily declaring that the Guinness Book "has no right to publish my work, my legal masterpieces," he sued them.

What's ironic about being expelled from school?
In the 1950s, 12-year-old David Ingham was kicked out of grammar school by the headmaster, who said that he'd "never amount to much." Fifty-five years later, the same school commissioned Ingham, now an art teacher, to paint a portrait of that very headmaster. So Ingham definitely got the last laugh, similar to these other irony examples of early failures of wildly successful people.

What's ironic about Crayola crayons?
In 1990, after 35 years working at Crayola, their retiring CEO, Emerson Moser, revealed that he was colorblind.

What's ironic about an anti-piracy group?
In 2014, the Business Software Alliance posted an anti-piracy ad that read "Your pot of gold is right here." But eagle-eyed users noticed that the image of a "pot of gold" they used was actually a photo of a baker's Saint Patrick's Day cake that the BSA had used without authorization.

What's ironic about Alanise Morissette?
None of the song lyrics in Alanis Morissette’s song "Ironic" are examples of irony. As Morissette herself allegedly said, "the irony of 'Ironic' is that it's not an ironic song at all." Don't miss these 75 short jokes anyone can remember.

Relationship Jokes

MUCH PRAISE
Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: "AMEN." The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"

NEXT TO SOMEONE DIFFERENT
Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND
A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran off, only to ­return a minute later with a second jug of wine and another bouquet of roses. “Two girlfriends?” I asked.“No,” he said. “Just one really angry one.”

TOM ONE AND TWO
Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered.

“Hi,” I said. “It’s Tom. Can I speak with your mom?”

He responded, “Are you Tom One or Tom Two?”

Needless to say, his mother is now down to one Tom.

DAUGHTER-IN-LAW’S HUSBAND
I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When the doctor came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me as her “daughter-in-law’s husband.”

OLD FASHIONED
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy.

THE EASY WAY UP
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

HIGH TEMPERATURES
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning.

THE CAR GOT US HERE
The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?” My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.” I said, “My truck.”

MILKING TIME
My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

NOT MUTUAL
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.

HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned.

HUSBAND ON THE PHONE
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Is this her first child?” I said, “No, this is her husband.”

APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED
My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

A DATE EVERY YEAR
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. February 14th.

CHEAP SPOUSE
My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I’m not buying it.

WHAT SHE’S ALWAYS WANTED
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar… She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

STILL A KID
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

BIGGER FRAME
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo. Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

LET HIM GO
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes… You need to let that mango.

BUBBLY ROMANCE
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

SNOOPING SPOUSE
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

VIDEO GAME RELATIONSHIP
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

NEW OUTFIT
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, “Wait, I can change.”

TWISTING WORDS
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment…

MEN NEVER LISTEN
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...

I SHIP IT
Q. What type of ship has two mates but no captain? A. A relationship.

DOESN’T ADD UP
Q: How are relationships a lot like algebra? A: Sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y. (Credit Southern Living)

PRETTY OR UGLY
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

GOOGLE IT!
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!

BREAKING UP OTHERS
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

EXPENSIVE RING
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

PRETTY UGLY
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

GOOGLE GIRL
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

LETTERS LOVE
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

POWER COUPLE?
I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

FRIENDLY COMPETITION…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND THOUGHT, FIRST FOUR DATES:
1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable

MICHELLE WOLF ON A FRIEND’S PREGNANCY
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

CHEMISTRY IN THE SOUP KITCHEN
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.” Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

STRAPPED FOR CASH
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a belt,” I said. With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?” Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

BAD THINGS TO TELL YOUR WIFE
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

LYING IN BED
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.” “I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said. “Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.” From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com

DATING A HOARDER
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril

NOTABLE NEVER-ISMS

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

SOCK IT TO ME On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.” Submitted by Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California

CONFESSIONS OF A MILITARY WIFE

• My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. Mollie Gross (molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

THIS CLASSIFIED AD SPEAKS VOLUMES:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.” Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida

IT'S A SMALL WORLD…
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.” Brock Cohen

A FAMILIAR PATIENT
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …” Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

MY WIFE SAYS I’M UNSOPHISTICATED…
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com

FLOWER THERAPY
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.” Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan

GIFT OF THE MAGI?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. Anthony Jeselnik

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”

THE TROUBLE WITH DATING
Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep. My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through. I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

FAMILY MATTERS
"Why doesn't your mother like me?" a woman asks her boyfriend. "Don't take it personally," he assures her. "She's never liked anyone I've dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn't work out at all." "What happened?" "My father couldn't stand her."

CONFERENCE CALL
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?" I said, "Hey, friend, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

DRESS TO IMPRESS
My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl's side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way. "Yes," said my boyfriend sternly, "and I said something about it, didn't I?" Everyone looked at me. "Yeah," I replied. "You said, 'What's your phone number?'"

HAIRY SITUATION
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks. "Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked. "I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair."

Work Jokes

NITPICKER
To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?” —E. Howson, in Reader’s Digest International Edition

CAN I HOLD YOU?
Our booking office had three phones. One day during lunch, I was responsible for answering all of them. It was a constant repeat of “May I help you?” or “Will you hold?” I guess I got confused because I surprised one man on the other end of the line when I answered his call with, “May I hold you?” —Vera Granger

TAKE THE BLAME
The printer was broken, and no one could figure out whose fault it was. After arguing back and forth, our supervisor took charge. “Look,” he said, “we really don’t need to determine who is responsible for this mess. We just want someone to take the blame.”

SPELLING SASS
I’m known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.” A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

A MOTIVATED BOSS
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. "Wow," I said. "That's an amazing car." He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

BURNING CALORIES
I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

TOOK A DAY OFF
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

WHAT DAY IS IT AGAIN?
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

WHOOPS, CAN’T REMEMBER
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

SAD JOB
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.

TOUGH COMMUTE
Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.

TEACHER’S AID
With the economy improved, my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”

AN UNFLATTERING INTRODUCTION
“Meet my coworker, the Boy Who Cried ASAP.”

OFFICE INCOMPETENCE, A PLAY IN ONE ACT
Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it. Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting. Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting? Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public. From overheardintheoffice.com

THE DUMBEST POLICE CALLS IN AMERICA…
From the police blotter, or, what a beat cop deals with every day:
*  A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail carrier. 
*  A woman said her son was attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital. 
*  A resident said someone had entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack. 
*  A man reported that a squirrel was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel. Source: uniformstories.com

JIB: JOB INTERVIEW BREAKDOWN
Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
*  “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’” 
*  “The guy asked me to tell him a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.” 
*  “I got asked about punctuality. I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.” Source: dailymail.co.uk

“BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE, JERK”
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. Source: storify.com

THE REAL MEANING OF “AN APPLE A DAY”…
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right?” “That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.” Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado

ENGLISH IS HARD
My colleague has been living in this country only a few months, and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.” Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina

WHAT NOT TO SAY IN A JOB INTERVIEW
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?” The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?” John Richman, Webster, New York

THE POINT OF A CONFERENCE CALL
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

YOUR WORK E-MAIL IS WHAT?

*  I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com. 
*  My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in. 
*  My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu. From quora.com

HOW TO TRANSLATE WORK EMAILS
* I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.
* I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. 
* I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. 
* Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. 
* No worries.     =     You really messed up this time. 
* Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. 
* Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself! 
Source: thecooperreview.com

E-MAIL ADDRESSES IT WOULD BE ANNOYING TO GIVE OUT LOUD
MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com AAAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com 1OneTheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

ART REFLECTS LIFE… TOO CLOSELY
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body-part identification and the k sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me. “Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word. “No, that’s your chin,” he said. He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked. “No, that’s your other chin.” Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan

TIME ZONES ARE HARD.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

INSULT OR COMPLIMENT?
Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

A BUSINESSMAN ON PERFECTION…
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

DESIGN CLIENT FROM HELL: “REMOVE THAT CIRCLE”
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it. Source: clientsfromhell.net

MY KIDS DON’T KNOW WHAT I DO
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?” “Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.” Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

AN IMPOSSIBLY LONG LEAVE
An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. J. L., via e-mail

THE WRONG LESSON
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.” He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job. “Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked. “Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.” Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia

MARRIED TO THE JOB
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

WEIRD QUESTIONS LIBRARIANS HEAR…
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
*  A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” 
*  “Who built the English Channel?” 
*  “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” 
*  “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” 
*  “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

UNINTELLIGENT DESIGN
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD DOG TO FLY
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!” From gcfl.net

THE PARADOX OF GROWN-UPS
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey

NOT THE SMARTEST SPORTS FAN
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. From Sports Illustrated

WEIRD THINGS LIBRARIANS HEAR
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work. Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org

A KID WITH A DREAM
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.” Jessica Castronovo, Manalapan, New Jersey

AIR-HEADED
Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom

WHOM GAVE IT AWAY?
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause: “Did you just say whom?” “Yes, I did.” The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up. From gcfl.net

5 LIES JOB APPLICANTS TELL
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … ... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. ... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin. ... to be a Nobel Prize winner. ... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time. ... he was fired “on accident.” From careerbuilder.com

PRIME (MINISTER) DIRECTIVE
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon. Source: bbc.com

MARGIN OF ERROR
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

GOOD RIDDANCE TO DUMB PATIENTS
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.” Sarah Parchert, Hoschton, Georgia

AN OCEAN OF DUMB
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.” Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com

GOOD ENGLISH
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.” Ellen Israel, Alamo, California

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO WORK IN FASHION
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’” Source: cosmopolitan.com

WORKPLACE TIPS FOR BOND VILLAINS

The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.
*  I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 
*  My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 
*  If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him. 
*  My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 
*  When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off. Source: eviloverlord.com

TIPTOE THROUGH THE TYPOS
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for his acts of true kindness and selfishness.” “Dancers must have long limps.” “At first, I had a hard time understanding and interrupting his movement.” “Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.” Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

STRAPPED FOR CASH
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a belt,” I said. With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?” Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

EASIER SAID THAN DONE
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net

A TRASHY CAREER
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.” Source: guy-sports.com

DUMB CLIENTS: A DIFFERENT COLOR
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

SMART-ASSES WORK IN RESTAURANTS, TOO
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.” Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas

LEFT. LEFT. LEFT, RIGHT, OUCH!
“Halt!” shouted our drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.” Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

SHAVING WITH DADDY
My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took up my razor and started shaving. I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was running the razor up and down his leg. So much for male bonding. James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia

"WHAT'S GOOD TONIGHT?"
One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.” From gcfl.net

BREEDING DOUBT
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

THE DUMBEST QUESTIONS FROM NATIONAL PARK TOURISTS
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
*  How much does Mount McKinley weigh? 
*  Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag? 
*  What do you do with the snow when it melts? Source: msn.com

THE MOST CONFUSING PASSWORD
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.” A. R., via Internet

MOONLIGHTING AND OTHER WITCHCRAFT
My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.” Nancy Billings, Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts

TOTAL @MATEUR
A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?” Swati Khatri, New Delhi, India

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel. @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

THAT SOUNDS EXHAUSTING
My granddaughter was graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the future. She hadn’t any, but she did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those cubicles and think all day.” B. O., via Internet

THE BEST LEGAL ADVICE EVER…
...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” Source: funnyordie.com

REAL EXCUSES TENANTS GAVE FOR NOT PAYING RENT
*  “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”
*  “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” 
*  “So ... you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?” Source: the Landlord Protection Agency (thelpa.com)

HOW NOT TO GET A TEACHING JOB
An applicant for an open teaching job submitted a résumé. Under the heading Qualities and Skills, she listed, “Impeachable character and integrity.” M. O., via Internet

WANTED: CEMETERY SUPERINTENDENT
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.” A. S., via Internet

KEN JENNINGS ON DOG WALKERS
My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?” @KenJennings

UN-INTELLIGENT DESIGN
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s. Source: clientsfromhell.net

STEPHEN COLBERT ON INTERNSHIPS
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

Food Jokes

GLUTEN ATTACK
Guy staring at an ambulance in front of Whole Foods: “Somebody must have accidentally eaten gluten.”

FRESH, CANNED, OR FROZEN
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!” Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!” The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?” —Submitted by Norman Middleton

MORNING TEA
Q:What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end?
A: A teapot.

TREE SODA
Q:What is a tree’s favorite soda?
A: Root Beer.

FASTER FOOD
Q:Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot?
A: It's not fast food!

FOOD FOR TWO
Starvin gafter hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our order to go. After writing it all down, the girl behind the register asked, “Will that be all for you?” “No,” I replied a bit defensively. “Some of it’s for my husband.”

STOLEN LEEK
Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
My neighbor texted me, "I just made synonym buns!"

I texted back, "You mean like grammar use to make?" I haven't heard from her since.

REALLY BIG STEAKS
As we drove into Traverse City, Michigan, we were greeted by a billboard advertising a restaurant in town. Its claim: “Steaks bigger than an 8th Street pothole.”

COMFORT FOOD
Q:Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?
A: A sheet cake.

CHEESE FACTORY
Q:What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
A: All that was left was de brie.

ALWAYS IN THE SHOP
Q:Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
A: To make ends meat

HIGH ROLLER
Q:Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: He was on a roll!

AWARD-WINNING DESSERT
Q:Who's a dessert's favorite actor?
A: Robert Brownie, Jr.

RED BITE, GREEN BITE
Q:When do you go at red and stop at green?
A: When you’re eating a watermelon.

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN
Q:What do you call cheese that is sad?
A: Blue cheese.

ROCK ON!
What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.

ON THE SCENE
Q:Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.

CRABBY!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple!

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener.

LOAF LAUGHS
Q.What's the difference between a shamrock and a bread knife that gets used a lot?
A. The shamrock is a four-leaf clover, and the knife is a four-loaf cleaver.

WIENER WIENER
Q.What did the hot dog say when his friend passed him in the race?
A. Wow, I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

WHEEEE!
Q.Which thrill ride does a wine glass love to go on the most?
A. A coaster! (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

FOOD FORTRESS
Q.How do you keep intruders out of a castle made of cheese?
A. Moatzarella.

ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL
Q.What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face?
A. Too for comfort food.

TIC TAC DOUGH
Did you hear the one about the guy who invented Tic Tacs? They say he made a mint.

NOT QUITE COOL AS A CUCUMBER
Q.Which type of vegetable tries to be cool, but is only partly successful at it?
A. The radish.

PARDON MY FRENCH (FRIES)
I can't stand potato puns. I think they're pomme de terrible.

GIVE PEAS A CHANCE
Q.What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?
A. An escapea.

CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT
Q.Why does yogurt love going to museums?
A. Because it's cultured.

SPAGHETT OUTTA HERE
Q.What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An impasta.

THATS ONE WAY TO DO IT
Person 1: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Person 2: How?! Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

A ROTTEN JOKE
SPOILER ALERT: That milk has been in the fridge for three weeks.

PAINT DIET
Q:Why did the dieter go to the paint store?
A: He wanted to get thinner.

HOW SWEET
Q:Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

GRAPES OF WRATH
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

HE'S IN THE GRAVE-Y
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

THIRST QUENCHER
Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda. I was lucky it was a soft drink.

WHATTA HAM
Q:What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?
A: Pulled-Pork.

CLAM UP
I went to a seafood restaurant and slipped. I pulled a mussel.

EMOTIONAL WEDDING
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

THE GARNISH KING
Q:What do you call the king of vegetables?
A: Elvis Parsley.

EGG-CELLENT
You know what’s hard to beat for breakfast? A boiled egg.

BETTER LATTE THAN NEVER
Spending a lot of time at the coffee bar can cause a latte problems.

FUNNY HOT DOG
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

MILKING IT
A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy!

THYME TO LAUGH
I was going to grow an herb garden, but I couldn’t find the thyme.

BANANA PHILES
The majority of Americans find bananas a peeling.

PRICEY CANDY
The price of candy at the movie theater is ridiculous. They're always raisinet!

PANCAKESVS. WAFFLES
Every morning I think I’m going to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.

PERFECT CANDY CANES
I love when candy canes are in mint condition.

VEGETARIAN DISS
Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak.

WINTER DOGS
Q:What are hot dogs called in winter?
A: Chilly dogs

FINE DINING
A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for their anniversary. He described how the food was made in front of them.

The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is the name of the restaurant?” The man replied, “Subway.”

RIPE EGGS
My granddaughter told me,  “Don’t buy brown eggs; they’re not ripe yet.”

PUN WELL DONE
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

YOU CAN’T AFFORD THIS PUN
Q: What's the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
A: They're always raisinet.

THERES AN OLD SAYING…
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

SO THAT’S WHY THEY’RE RED…
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

YOU BUTTER BE QUIET
Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter?
A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it.

NEVER TRUST A VEGGIE
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

NO ONION, NO CRY
Alot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

THIS PLATE IS HOT
Q:What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

PARK YOUR BUNS
Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table?
A: Because he was on a roll.

STRAIGHT TO THE GLUTES
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
A: To get better buns.

WHATS THE QUESA-DEALLY-YO?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

HALLOWEENMATH
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi

SWEETROMANCE
Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner?
A: Because he couldn't find a date.

CAN YOU MOOOOOVE?
Q:What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

THE HIP WAY TO EAT
Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.

COME ON, I’M A "FUNGI.”
Q.How much room should you give fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible.

ESCAR-DONT-GO
Q: Why do French people eat snails?
A: Because they won't touch fast food.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU MELONS…
Q:What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.

A PACK OF PRYING PEPPERS
Q:What does a nosy pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business.

SPYGHETTI
Q:What do you call a dishonest noodle?
A: An Impasta.

Diet Jokes

ONE IS ENOUGH
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”

FOR HERE OR TO GO?
Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert. After scanning the display case, I settled on a dozen pound-cake cupcakes. The clerk’s pleasant response: “Is that for here or to go?”

ILL TAKE MINE TO GO
Q:Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?
A: You can get thinner there.

YOULL LOVE THIS ONE
Q:Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He'll dessert you.

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?
I tell people I'm on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor. Stephen Colbert

OFF-COLOR EATERS
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

WHATS YOUR BEEF?
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”

VEGAN INSULT
Q:How did Native Americans say vegetarian?
A: "Bad hunter!"

DIET DOWNER
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

VEGAN CROSSROADS
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!

NATIONWIDE EATING PLAN
"Im not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."—@sbellelauren

NACHO NORMAL DIET
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

SUGAR FREE
Q.What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A. A desserter.

TIME WEIGHS ON YOU
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

CAN-DO DIET
Q.What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. A beer in each hand.

I HAVE A DIETER INSIDE ME
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.

GET THROWN OUT
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

FATTENING SPOON
The most fattening thing that you can put in an ice cream sundae is the spoon.

CHOCOLATE CHIP DIET
Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon.  However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever.  Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

DONT WATCH OTHERS EAT
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.  It's watching what other people eat.

DESSERT DITCHER
Do you call a person who has abandoned their diet a desserter?

STICK TO ONE SERVING
Never go back for seconds... get it all the first time.

ON DAY DIET
A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it.

What do YOU CALL A COLLECTION OF DIET JOKES?
Is it true that a collection of jokes about dieting can be referred to as: 'a binge of jokes'?

DIET AT THE BEST RESTAURANTS
Did you hear about the gourmet who avoids unfashionable restaurants because he doesn't want to gain weight in the wrong places?

CALORIES IN, CALORIES OUT
Im not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren

LOSING IT
My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni

NACHO NORMAL DIET
The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

NEVER SAY DIET
"If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting."—@JimGaffigan

LOVE YOU FROM AFAR
My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7

QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD
It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.

TABLE FOR TWO
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —"Laugh Yourself Healthy," by Charles Hunter

CANT HIDE
I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

GUT DYS BIOSIS
Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

ITS NOT MY FAULT!
I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That's why I can't lose weight.

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

JUST DREAMING…
Wouldn't it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

TIME TO DIET
Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

PURSE SNATCHER’S DIET TIPS
Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.

WEIGHING YOUR OPTIONS
What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale? A balanced meal.

I DID IT!
It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

STOP THOSE CRAVINGS
How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

CANNIBAL DIET
If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.

A DIETER’S FAVORITE CELEBRITY
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley

IN THE MIDDLE
I'm not fat, but I'm not thin either. I'm at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE GARLIC DIET?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

AUTOCORRECT FAIL
My brain said "crunches" but my stomach auto-corrected it to "cupcakes."

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a "sensible dinner." How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

HEALTHY AS A HORSE
Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.

DIET DAY 1
I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious

GIVING UP IS TASTY
What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.

GOOD NEWS!
I finally heard some good news. I'm not overweight. I'm undertall. What a relief!

SNACK ATTACK
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

BAD M&MS
Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.

NO PANTS? NO PROBLEM.
Diet tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.

THE EASIEST WAY TO SPOT A DIETER
The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done."

PORTION CONTROL
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN
I'm going to open up a low carb bakery and I'm going to call it No Bun Intended.

THE DIET WAGON
When someone asks me if I quit my diet... not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.

NACHO DIET
The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say "I accidentally ate nachos."

THIS DIET’S JUST NOT WORKING
I know it's three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

SALES BINGE
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.

ITS A LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.

FRIENDS FROM AFAR
Q:Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

DEAR DIET…
Things just aren't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can't stop cheating on you.

THE SECOND DAY IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST
I'm on day 2 of a "diet" which means I'm always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.

STAGES OF DIETING

1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon

THE BEST DIET PLANS…
Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.

SORRY TO EAT AND RUN
Q:What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.

SNACKING DILEMMA
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.

SALAD:A DIETING STAPLE
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

NOTHINGTO SEE HERE
Q:How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
A: One if nobody's looking.

LOSING EVERYTHING BUT THE WEIGHT
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.

TASTE THE RAINBOW
Nutrition question: How many Skittles equal one serving of fruit?

APOCALYPTIC
Q:What do vegan zombies eat?
A: GggRrrAaaIiiNnSsss!

A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION
It'shard to lose weight when you have an overactive knife and fork.

FONDUE FOR YOU
Q:When should you go on a cheese diet?
A: If you need to cheddar few pounds.

ILL TAKE TWO
Q:What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand.

TIME TO EAT
Q:Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: He went back four seconds.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
D.I.E.T.= Did I Eat That?

NO ANIMAL TESTING
Q:Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn't been tested on mice.

READ THE LABEL
Q:How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

ITS GLUTEN-Y GOOD
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!

CAVE MAN DIET
Q:How many carnivores does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark!

I HAVE NO BEEF WITH YOU
Q:What do you call a dumb omnivore?A: A meathead!

NOW MINERALS FEEL LEFT OUT
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

CANT CATCH A BREAK
Q: What is the Native American word for vegetarian?
A: "Poor hunter!"

YOU CAN’T FORGET THAT FACE
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.

PROTEIN PLUS
Q:How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but where do you get your protein!?

FILE THIS UNDER SECOND THOUGHTS
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge "missed steak.”

Travel Jokes

AIRPORT CHOCOLATE
Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate

STATE PRIDE
Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
A. Mini-soda!

WORLD STAMP
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

THUMB WORLD TRAVELER
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

TRAVELING LIBRARIAN
Q: Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
A: Because it was overbooked.

TRAVEL RIDDLE
Q: What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves?
A: The road!

BAD DRIVER
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."

TIME TRAVELERS
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

CROSS-TRACK TEAM
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

AIRPORT CARPOOL
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

BACON IN SPACE
When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!

OLD AND NEW TRAVELS
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.

BONNIE MCFARLANE ON THE TOUGHEST LANGUAGE…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

WHAT AN UGLY DUCK…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!” The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.” Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois

ELIZA BAYNE ON BIKINI DANGERS
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

BLOODY GOOD QUESTION
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

HOW RUSSIAN TOUR GUIDES SEE AMERICA
Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.” “As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.” “‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, and no more.” Source: Mental Floss

LEW SCHNEIDER ON SUNBLOCK
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

THE SMELL OF DELTA
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.” “Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King  “Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali “Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz “The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

HOTEL TIME-TRAVEL
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

BAGGAGE CLAIM KARMA
As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!” C. S., via Internet

DEMETRI MARTIN'S SUMMER PLANS
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them. Demetri Martin

LIFEGUARDS VS. LIFE COACHES
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio. Craig Ferguson

PLANEDEMONIUM
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?” Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

NO EMERGENCY EXITS, THANKS
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.” Col. David Jessop (Ret.), Rineyville, Kentucky

DRUMMING UP A REASON
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs. “No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.” “Why?” “When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

MORE FUNNY HASHTAGS:
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2 @davidschneider #failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm @Made_Dad #nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane @elfiem

ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGON
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. "Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp. "No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks. "Could I have a few words with George?"

COMIC CONDUCTOR
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

PERFECT TIMING
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

AIRPLANE CONFUSION
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane. Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time." A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

WIN-WIN
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99," she said "But there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver," she said.

Weather Jokes

SOUTH TO VERMONT
On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?” “No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep. We can’t get supplies in. Like many Canadians, I go south for the winter.” “Oh,” I said. “Where do you go?” “Vermont.”

GETTING SICK
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!

DAYLIGHT SAVING IN SEATTLE
Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain

LIGHTENING DATES
Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To Cloud 9

A MONTH’S WORTH OF RAIN
Q: What do you call a month's worth of rain?
A: England

DANGEROUS PRECIPITATION
Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror

A MOUNTAIN’S FAVORITE CANDY
Q: What is a mountain's favorite type of candy?
A: Snow caps

THE SNOWMAN’S BABY
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!

THE LYING SNOWMAN
Q: What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A: A snow-fake!

A SNOWMAN’S LUNCH
Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers

TALK ABOUT A COLD SEAT
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!

EYE OF THE HURRICANE
Q: How does a hurricane see?
A: With its eye.

BEES IN THE RAIN
Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets.

QUEEN’S RAIN
Q: What is a Queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign!

MEXICO WEATHER
Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale.

EVAPORATING RAINDROP
Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I'm going to pieces.

ROOF SHINGLES
Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles.

BEAR CAUGHT IN THE RAIN
Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear

SEATTLE RAIN
Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend.

UMBRELLAS UP
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella.

SPRINKLING RAIN
Q: What does it do before it rains candy?
A: It sprinkles!

RAIN FEAST
Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs

RAINDROP CONVO
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud

RAPPER RAIN
Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo' Drizzle.

HORSES AND WEATHER
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

RAINING MONEY
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.

KING’S RAIN
Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!

WEATHER MONEY
Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

HORSE VS RAIN
Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

FOGGY LA
Q: What happens when fog lifts in California?
A: UCLA!

THERMOMETER LOVE
Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
A: You make my temperature rise.

TORNADO COW
Q: Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
A: Udder disaster!

LIGHTNING LOVE
Q: What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!

LAZY WEATHER
Q: What type of cloud is so lazy, because it will never get up?
A: Fog!

SPORT STRIKE
Q: What type of lightning likes to play sports?
A: Ball lightning!

WEATHER UNDERWEAR
Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear!

HURRICANE VISION
Q: How do hurricanes see?
A: With one eye!

SNOWMAN’S SAVINGS
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In a snow bank.

UNA LAMARCHE ON SPRING FASHION
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

TOM PARRY ON FOLK WISDOM
Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

LEW SCHNEIDER ON SUNBLOCK
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider

WINTER PUNDERLAND
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.” Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

HOW HOT WAS IT?
It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

DON’T KNOCK THE WEATHER.
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation. Kin Hubbard

ELECTRICITY IS REALLY JUST…
Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

IT’S BEEN RAINING SO MUCH IN LA THAT…
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno

IF I’M ON THE COURSE AND LIGHTNING STARTS…
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope

WHY DOES MOISTURE DESTROY…
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” Jerry Seinfeld

COASTAL TOWN NAMES
Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don't be. New names have already been chosen.

Atlantis City, New Jersey

Pariscope, France

Sail 'Em, Massachusetts

Floodelphia, Pennsylvania

Helsunki, Finland

Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil

17 WARM-WEATHER JOKES FOR SUMMER
1. Past Lives On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die." -- Quin Gilbert
2. Mr. Summertime We all grew up in a town on the New Jersey shore and spent our summers at the beach, swimming, surfing, hanging out with friends. One of my friends loved the season so much, we began calling him Mr. Summertime. "What happens when summer is over?" someone asked. I thought for a minute, then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy." -- J. Cummings
3. Wishful Thinking My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods. "Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?" Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World." -- Leah Hallenbeck
4. Moving Forward The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. "Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it." "But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years." "I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?" -- Marshall K. Essig
5. Sounding Off I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud. "Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to our driveway and jostle his car." -- Sheila Moore
6. A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?" "Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job. -- Judith L. McKay
7. Tag Sale Special I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." -- Mary E. Koppelmann
8. Clowning Around Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long the protective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting -- until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked. -- Nina Secviar, Hammond, Ind.
9. Hotter Cooler On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?" -- Tina M. Digiovanna
10. Forcast Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55. -- Norrine Trono
11. Beach Date Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first." -- Louis Allard
12. Familiar Faces Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers." "Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" "Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent." -- Michael Rana
13. Noisy by Nature Some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California -- an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, "Did you enjoy your stay?" "Not really," the man said grimly. "I'm sorry to hear that," the manager apologized. "What was the problem?" "The surf was too loud." -- Daniel Vargas
14. Something's Fishy While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish on this table." -- Cliff Revell
15. Out of Breath While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views." -- Christy Nichols
16. Young Man Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?" -- Janice Palko
17. Last Swimmer I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do when you see a shark?" Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy." -- Joan Nozkowski

CLIMATE CHANGE
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.

OUT OF IT
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.

"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"

"Rain."

OTHER EMERGENCY
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."

Money Jokes

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS
My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. —Comedian Matin Atrushi

TIP JAR HUMOR
Tip-jar humor in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”

NOT A NICE HOTEL
In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to  a million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!” “Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to  that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”

BROKE TO THE BONE
Q: Why was the dead man not living well?
A: Because he was dead broke.

FOR PROFIT
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.

—Steven Wright, comedian

WORKING 9 TO 5?
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"

PIECE OF THE PIE
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn't work—you could still see the price through the ink.

"I know what to do," the man said. "I'll cover it up."And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read "$2.98 Day Old."

BECOMING A CEO
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”

“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”

BIG SPENDER
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

SHOPPING FREEZE
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

INNOCENT CUSTOMER
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

WALLET HALF EMPTY
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

MONEY MARRIAGE
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

TIME IS MONEY
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

WATCH EXCHANGE
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

DONATE TO CHARITY
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

JUST LIKE CLOONEY
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

LUNCH BULLY
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

RETIREMENT
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

MARRY RICH
You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

“DAD, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY?”
Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

RICHEST PEOPLE
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

NEVER LEND MONEY TO A FRIEND
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

MAKING AMENDS WITH THE IRS
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

BANK ON CONFUSION
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

THE TAX MAN COMETH
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?” William Umberson, San Diego, California

BULLETIN: STOOP SALE
Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. Throwing all my crap in the garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied

THERE ARE TWO SURE THINGS: TAXES, AND EXCUSES
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died.     —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do anything.     —Financial services firm • I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns.     —Accountant Source: HM Revenue & Customs

MONEY TROUBLES
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge. "No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

CHECK PLEASE!
My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.” Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”

RENTERS' EXCUSES
No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

A CHARITY CASE
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

LOST AND FOUND
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

TAXING NOTICES
To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

A FRIENDLY SALE
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"

CUP OF COFFEE
A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn't have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors.

Mocha Dinero
Cost-a-latte
Brokefest Blend
Excesso
Ka-Ching-accino
Goldbean Sachs
Café au Laitaway

THE DIFFERENCE
During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

TRUE STATEMENT
From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don't go away!"

DRESSING THE PART
Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

IT'S ALL IN A NAME
If your name is on the building, you're rich; if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

WORK AND LIFE
I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I'd requested because my income wasn't substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.

IN THE FREEZER
My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.

CAR WARS
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.

"Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.

"Yep."

The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

AIRLINE FEES
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

MIND OFF THE RACETRACK
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.

"How do I stop?" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

GOOD PARENTING
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract—teach him to deduct.

ASKING FOR HELP
A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

CASHIER
Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

FRUGALITY NOW
A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

GAMBLING
When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."

CULTURAL SHOCK
During a visit to our friend's home in Canada, we were feted with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed.

"Your pancakes are smaller than my mom's," she told him.

He replied, "That's because of the exchange rate."

PAYING UP
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!"

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.

The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

"Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?"

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

BY THE NUMBERS
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."

"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."

"Oh," he said. "Then give me the 12."

ODD GIFT
I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.

GREAT WRITER
Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That's nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asks.

"Yes. He wrote a big check."

SOME CHANGE
After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. "Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller. "Yes," she said. "But barely."

THE SECRET TO SUCCESS
The pastor decides to use one rich parishioner to set an example. "John," he says, "you're a successful businessman; surely you could contribute more to the building fund."

John replies, "But my mother is in a nursing home, my daughter just lost her job, and my son is starting college … If I can say no to them, I can say no to you too."

TAKING IT WITH YOU
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

CASH WHO?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!

ROBIN WHO?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!

DELIVERING SOME NOTICE
Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.

"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."

FAULTY SAFE
On a billboard ad for a safe company:

"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

TOO MUCH MONEY
My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem.

After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband's fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I'll just pray this one through."

GUILTY TAX PAYER
Dear IRS: I'm sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn't stop, I'll send you the rest.

PENNILESS
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

MONEY LINE
Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I'll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn't know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me.

"We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you'd get here sooner or later."

Math Jokes

NURSING MATH
A friend took her son to the doctor's office after he sprained his finger. The nurse applied a splint, only to be told she'd put it on the wrong finger.

"I'm sorry," she said. "That's OK," my friend's son said. "You were only off by one digit."

THE PLOT THICKENS
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They're always plotting something.

MATH BUDDIES
Q: What do you call friends who love math?
A: algebros

WANDERING NUMBERS
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.

SMALLER WAIST
Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

CHRISTMAS CALCULATION
Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?
A: Neither has real roots.

NUMBER’S LUNCH
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate)!

MIDDLE SCHOOL MATH
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A middle school math problem!

MATH DISCIPLINE
Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

MATH PROFESSOR VOICE-MAIL
Q: How do you know when you've reached your Math Professors voice-mail?
A: The message is "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."

2 FAST
Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race?
A: 2 Fast 4 U!

AL GORE MUSIC
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An algorithm!

MATH PARROT
Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"

BOOK PROBLEMS
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!

NO TABLES
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.

MATH ISN’T FUN
MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.

HALLOWEEN MATH
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi

MARGIN OF ERROR
Here’s some advice: At a job �interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

THE CALCULATING SHEEPDOG
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii

AN I.Q. TOO HIGH TO BUY
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never �remember the name.” Submitted by R. s., via mail

STEER CLEAR OF THIS JOKE
A farmer counted 196 cows in �the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

ZERO SUM PUNS
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

PROFESSORS DEFINE A KISS
In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of �the mouth due to the expansion �of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned. In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the �supply. In dentistry: It’s infectious and �antiseptic. From gcfl.net

HEAR ABOUT THE STATISTICIAN…
Hear about the statistician �who drowned crossing a river? It �was three feet deep on average.

A JOKE OF LITTLE VALUE…
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A GENIUS SOLUTION
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

WHY SHOULD 288…
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.

WHY DO MATHEMATICIANS…
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.

NOAH AND THE SNAKES
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A NUMBER…
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.

THE HOUSE PROBLEM
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced." Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

AN AVERAGE JOKE
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably.

VICE PRESIDENT OF ROCK
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm

INVARIABLE CONSEQUENCES
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

CHICKEN STRIPS
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.

SOLVE FOR XX
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.

THE ENGINEER, THE PHYSICIST, AND THE MATHEMATICIAN
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

INFINITELY MANY MATHEMATICIANS…
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURNS
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

AN EQUATION FOR DISASTER
Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus? Because you should never drink and derive.

Science Jokes

LUNAR FOMO
Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
A. “I guess you had to be there.”

OUT OF CASH
Q. How do you know when the moon is broke?
A. When it’s down to its last quarter.

SEEING IS BELIEVING
Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon?
A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.

ROCK ON
Q. Why is a moon rock tastier than an Earth rock?
A. It’s a little meteor.

OUT OF THIS WORLD LEARNING
Q: Why didn't the sun go to college?
A: Because it already had a million degrees!

OUT OF THIS WORLD
Q: What do planets like to read?
A: Comet books!

LUNAR HUMOR
Q. Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon?
A. It was full!

MINTY FRESH
Q. What do scientists use to freshen their breath?
A. Experi-mints!

HE WAS SPACING OUT
Q. Did you hear the one about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
A. He got stuck in Orbit.

BIG BLUE BULLY
Q. What does Earth say to tease the other planets?
A. "You guys have no life."

PLANETARY PARTY
Q. How do Earth, Saturn, and Neptune organize a party?
A. They planet.

IT’S ALL RELATIVE
In 1905, Albert Einstein published a theory about space. And it was about time.

I HEAR THE DRINKS ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD
Q. Where do astronauts like to party?
A. The space bar.

PERIODIC PUN
Q. Why do people make bad chemistry jokes?
A. Because all the good ones Argon.

PARK IN SPACE
Q. What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?
A. Pay the parking meteor.

SHROOM HUMOR
Q. How much room does a fungus need to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible. (Credit: nothingstacethesame on tumblr)

ON THE VERGE OF STARDOM
Q. What did the astronomer's friends do after he didn't win the Nobel Prize?
A. They gave him a constellation prize.

SODIUM SASS
Q. Want to hear a Sodium joke?
A. Na.

MOON MISHAP
Q. What did Neil Armstrong do after he stepped on Buzz Aldrin's toe?
A. He Apollo-gized.

LOL GTG
Want to hear a Potassium joke? K.

WE NEVER WANT THIS RAIN TO GO AWAY
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!

THE GREAT DIVIDE
We really need to stop talking about mitosis. It's such a divisive issue.

LET’S SPLIT THE CHECK, TOO
Are you going to finish that atom? You want to split it?

FLOATING AWAY
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He couldn't put it down!

GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING
What did the beach say when the tide came in? ... Long time no sea.

SPEEDY TRAVEL
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

NEGATIVE NANCY
Atom 1: "I think I've lost an electron." Atom 2: "Are you sure?" Atom 1: "I'm positive."

ANSWER ME!
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.

MODE, MEDIAN, AND…
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

NEUTRAL TERRITORY
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

WEATHER OR NOT, HERE I COME
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game to play?
A: TWISTER

ICE, ICE BABY
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed

SURPRISE!
Q: What did their parents say when they heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going to get married?
A: OMg

AT LEAST YOU CHEMIS-TRIED
Once I told a Chemistry joke. There was no Reaction.

HE HAS A POINT
Q: What would you call a funny element?
A: He he he (helium helium helium)

ELEMENTARY FUN
Q: How often do you like jokes about elements?
A: Periodically